Fearlessly Feminine

what NOT to expect when you're expecting, or after the birth, or ever.....

2012-01-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

very pregnant with Judah

My second child is now two months old. Looking back at both pregnancies and birth experiences, there are many comparisons and contrasts that I have been able to mull over in my mind. Hopefully, sharing them will prove to be beneficial to another young mother or mother-to-be reading this.

Certainly you've heard of and probably own one of the What to Expect When You're Expecting books. I have read the original and found it full of useful information. However, a wise man once told me that one of the greatest sources of disappointment in life comes from "unmet expectations." And this statement can be true in marriages, motherhood, and all types of relationships. When our expectations are high, it hurts us all the more when they are not met. I am not saying that we should have no expectations, but as I share the two very different experiences I have had as a mother, you will understand what I mean.

Pregnant with my daughter, (and if you have read my posts about my pregnancy, you know that pregnancy is not a fun time for me!) I was excited and hopeful beyond all belief. When she emerged from my womb, reality started to set in! Bringing home a newborn for the first time has got to be one of the scariest things I have ever done, but the second time around, newborns are less scary and more fun (still a lot of work and not much sleep, but more fun). When my son came home, he did not want to sleep at night, and one of my dearest friends (who has now been greatly promoted in my book!) who also has two young children, sent me a "newborn sleeper/rocker" and I don't know what I would have done without it because besides my bed, that is the only place he will sleep for any amount of time! However, I remember those first nights home with my daughter in the bassinet next to our bed... me waking up every time she moved, every time she coughed, every time her breathing changed...being exhausted and amazed all at the same time. When my son started sleeping next to my bed in his rocker, I eventually awoke one night to him waving his tiny, mitten-covered hands frantically around in the semi-darkness and smacking his lips together, and I thought to myself: "Wow, he's going to have to do better than that if he really wants me to wake up right away and feed him!" My, how things change!

When you are already the mother of one, it affects everything that happens to bring number two into the world. There are moments and glimpses during your pregnancy, perhaps when you're alone at night or during naptime, when you think about the little person inside you and specifically address him or her directly, but mostly you are busy taking care of the one that's outside the womb already. At least, that's how it was for me. Sometimes I would even forget that I was pregnant. Unlike with the first pregnancy, you really don't have the time or the mental space to think solely of the baby on the way. I was sure that when I was pregnant with my daughter, that was all that was happening in the world at the time, and I thought of little else.

On the topic of expectations, with my daughter my husband and I took an intense 12-week training class on the Bradley method of natural childbirth. We were psyched, had a support group, and heard other couple's success stories and met their babies. Then when it came time for me to give birth, little Elisheva threw us for the biggest loop of our lives. Although the doctors had been feeling my belly and assuring me that after 30 weeks she was head-down and ready to go, my post 40 week ultrasound told another story.... she was breech and I was NOT going to have a natural birth, but rather a C-section (which in our class was the last thing I listed as something I wanted, and I didn't even thoroughly read the little information our booklet had on C-sections!) To say we were devastated would be an understatement. Ask anyone who came to visit us that day in the hospital... I was in tears for the six hours I had to wait for the surgery to happen, and my mother-in-law worried that something was wrong with the baby because my husband got choked up on the phone when he called to tell her the news. We were a mess, especially me. I was inconsolable. Someone would come, encourage me, pray for me, I would be okay for a minute, they would leave, I would start crying again, and the process would repeat itself. My daughter's birth date, unfortunately, will go down in history as one of the most traumatic days of my life. We expected that she was head down, and we expected to have an amazing and natural birth experience and to encourage others to do the same, but our expectations were too much and the resulting emotions were not pleasant. Nevertheless, we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl that day, and if I could go back and do that day over,I would do it differently...

second c-section

Oh wait, I did get to go back... my son was born under similar circumstances. This time I was looking forward to a natural vaginal birth after caesarean (VBAC), but didn't train for it or have the same determination as before. I wanted to keep an open mind so as not to repeat the aforementioned experience, so I tried to prepare for however he would enter the world. Let it be noted that I did not want another c-section, but I accepted the fact that the birth might not be without medication. Towards the end of my pregnancy, however, my fears about the risk of having a VBAC rose to the surface, and that coupled with the fact that I was by no means prepared for labor and my discomfort in being pregnant, actually drove me towards a voluntary c-section. But at four days past 37 weeks, my water broke in the middle of the night, and at almost 18 hours after that, i was still only one centimeter dilated and not in labor. Because I had already had a c-section, it was very risky to induce me, so the decision was basically made for me again: repeat C-section. I didn't expect that to happen since my water had broken, but after a little disappointment and fear of yet another surgery, I rolled with the punches this time. This was not going to be the second most traumatic day of my life. This was my son's birthday.

Because I am still 110% supportive of the Bradley method and natural childbirth (as G-d intended it, not with any New Age methods mixed in) and most of my close friends are as well, perhaps you are unfamiliar with what a C-section is like. It is the closest thing to an alien abduction that I will ever experience! Basically numb from the belly down, you feel some pressure and pushing and pulling, but no pain. With my daughter, I was also emotionally numb after all that crying and still in shock, so the surgery seemed to go rather quickly. It certainly did not feel like I was about to become a mother that day, and when they finally brought her around to see me, all I saw was a tiny baby peeking out with one eye closed... and my first thoughts: where did they get that baby from? Still feeling bitter over having her cut out of me instead of me helping her out into the world, there was not an instant connection that this was my daughter...

Our Bradley birth instructors, a married couple who had used the method themselves, described doctors as "lifeguards" when it comes to delivering babies: not really necessary, but there to "catch" the babies and there in case something went wrong. I am certainly more grateful than ever for doctors and modern medicine, because after receiving my daughter's hospital bill for her being intubated, I realized that she was probably not breathing when they pulled her from my womb that day. Seeing the frazzled state I was in, perhaps Dr. Decarvalho spared me from that scary information. She told me before the surgery that C-section babies, especially breech ones, don't always cry right away, so I tried to not be alarmed when it seemed to take awhile to hear her first cry, which was a wet-sounding one. The doctor did inform me that she was pretty tangled in her umbilical cord, and that is something she has in common with her brother. His was wrapped twice around his neck, but in Dr. Swenson's words: "it didn't seem to bother him at all." My son's entrance into the operating room was much different. During the prep, I looked up above me and realized that I could see a reflection of my belly in one of the overhead lamps. It made me wonder if I would somehow be able to see the delivery... and that question was answered when I glanced up there and thought I saw a little face, and when the doctor grabbed the aspirator and started to suction, then I knew it was his face! Before I could get my husband's attention to show him, she pulled him out, he began screaming, and I began crying... tears of joy this time. Because this was my second C-section, and because I was mentally aware and emotionally present for this one, it took a lot longer than the first. To start, the spinal epidural they gave me took forever to really numb me, and after several pinches with tweezers (that hurt!), they begin to tilt me back on the O.R. table, which was interesting, until I was numb enough. The anesthesiologist behind my head kept telling me there was a difference between feeling touch and feeling pain, and I told him I was well aware of the difference and they could not cut me until those pinches stopped HURTING! :) His last reassuring words to the doctor were : "Just go ahead and start. I'll supplement." What?! I held my breath as she started the incision, but I didn't feel a thing, so Baruch HaShem for that!

In this operating room, the incubator was actually behind me and to my left side, so I got to see little Judah right away as they were cleaning him up. Once again, they brought me a blanket-clad newborn peeking with one eye only... but this time, I knew he was mine. The fact that he looked just like his sister helped too.

Giving birth first in Florida, and then in Brooklyn, New York, my hospital experiences were very different. Briefly sharing a room with an orthodox Israeli woman who had just given birth to baby number seven, and hearing the Chassidic couple across the hall get the nurse to turn their lights on and off on shabbat were just a couple of the differences! We found out the hard way that in Brooklyn, it's not a given for husbands to be able to stay the night, and no one even asked if I wanted the baby to stay, because there are two women in most of the rooms. So my first night was spent alone, my husband at home and my baby boy in the nursery. The communication from the nurses this time was also not the greatest, so sometimes people were not sure when my newborn had eaten in the nursery. As I was struggling to be able to breastfeed him, he had been drinking formula as well.

almost 2 months old

This brings me to the next difference between having number one and number two. With my daughter, I was determined to breastfeed her, no matter what. Probably the fact that I did not get to experience that natural birth I desired drove me even harder to succeed at nursing her (and succeed is the right word, because breastfeeding can be very hard work, especially at first). I have never known such pain in my life, and it is ongoing pain for the most part. I healed from my C-section, but the nursing pain never really went away for me. Sometimes the pain lessened, but it never got easy. I saw the lactation consultants in the hospital, went to La Leche League meetings, and emailed the leader, who offered me several solutions, but nothing really worked. I think I got used to how it felt for the most part, and was immensely satisfied knowing that I was giving her the best nutrition she could get, so I struggled on until she weaned herself at 14 months old. I have to say, I was so grateful when she was weaned! :) On the other hand, my son came along, hungry from the womb! Once again, I saw the lactation consultants, and one in particular was very helpful and dedicated in trying to help me succeed. Once again, I was writhing in pain. I tried to make it work, despite the pain, but when I became engorged and then thought I had an infection, I couldn't do it anymore. Yes, I experienced some feelings of disappointment and guilt for not being able to nurse my son, but I got over it. That's another thing that comes easier with number two: you have more people to think about and make a decision for in your family, and it was best for all of us for me not to be in pain. Therein lies the reason my son is bottle-fed, and he is a ravenous little monster when it comes to eating, so that didn't help the nursing situation at all! I am more than happy to let him take all that out on the bottle's nipple... and I don't feel a thing... Deciding to bottle-feed him was still not an easy decision to make, because I know and have written about the miraculous nature of breastfeeding. Formula smells funny, it's messy, time-consuming, and the last thing I needed was more dishes to wash by hand! In addition, because my daughter probably drank from a bottle less than five times ever and usually someone else was giving it to her, I was clueless about how to bottle-feed. Formula can never truly compete with breast milk, because G-d designed a woman's body to provide exactly what her child needs and when. Nevertheless, I thank G-d for formula because I survived on it, and my son will too. It certainly hasn't impeded our mother-child bonding. If anything, it has made that bonding even easier with the pain factor removed. I never blamed my baby girl for the nursing pain she was inadvertently causing me, (and Elli, I even forgive you for all those times you bit me!) but it is still hard for me to not associate breastfeeding with pain. Nevertheless, I am still completely supportive of nursing mothers, but I am definitely not going to pass judgment on mothers who choose to bottle-feed their babies.

Hopefully through these accounts, I have communicated what I was attempting to... and that is to NOT expect to know what is going to happen when you're expecting, whether it's your first or your seventh child. I guess they call being pregnant expecting for a good reason. Pregnant women are full of expectations: they expect to have easy pregnancies, to have healthy babies, to sleep through the night, to have clean houses, to be good mothers and wives, to be superwomen even. Be careful not to expect too much, though. Don't expect to have a natural birth experience: train hard for it, pray for it, and thank G-d for it if it happens... but I have come to realize it is a privilege granted to some women to experience, but it is not every woman's right to experience it. Likewise with nursing, some women will never experience it, either by circumstances or by choice. Many women will never experience motherhood at all, so be extremely grateful for the children G-d has loaned to you.

Being a mother for over three years now, it has been the best time of my life. Motherhood is packed with challenges and capabilities, bruises and blessings. It will test you like you've never best tested, hurt you like you've never been hurt, and give you more joy than you could ever imagine. This post is meant for all women to read, whether mothers or not, whether mothers of one or nineteen. I recently read a beautiful article written by a mother of nine entitled "To the Mother with only one Child" which concludes with this: "Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life. Your life is hard; your life will be hard. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right."

Read the entire article here: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child#ixzz1kguxA7EB

Also, if you have not read them before, or not lately, here are a few of my favorite posts about my motherhood journey: "The Barren Womb" (about the desire to have children and spiritual children), "Miraculous Flow" (about breastfeeding), and "Fierce Devotion" (about the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a child.) I just went back and read them for the first time in years and was encouraged. Oftentimes, I read my own work and know that it was truly G-d's inspiration that has written so many of these posts, and even I need to keep reading them again.

In conclusion, don't expect motherhood to be as expected when you were expecting... reality has a way of changing your mind and heart and helping you grow and mature. That's why we have so much to learn from as mothers from each other, especially from those who are wiser than us or further along in the process. So share your experiences. Otherwise, how will another mother benefit from them? I certainly would love to hear of your journey. Email me at why_b_messianic@yahoo.com if you would like me to post something you have written.

There are some things you can expect in motherhood, however. Expect to be amazed, expect your house to be a mess, expect to learn something new every day, and expect everything to be a little harder and take a little longer. Also, expect people who don't have children to not understand. Slow down, get comfortable on the floor with that _______ in your lap (tiara, truck, newborn...you fill in the blank!) because children are truly as "light as air" and they grow up way too fast. Expect to not accomplish much else, and expect to be there for on the floor for a while...

the newest member of our family has kept me from blogging....

2012-01-25T14:18:00.000-05:00

Our baby boy, Judah, was born seven days after our daughter turned three. I am trying to start writing again soon, but these two are keeping me pretty busy right now. :)

where I have been... now.... ;)

2011-09-24T20:23:00.001-04:00

All of my recent posts have been on my "Torah School" blog concerning preschool with my daughter, so you can read them here if you're interested. She is certainly keeping me busy now, along with being seven months pregnant! I have many ideas of posts to write, just have to get them down! Bear with me and be blessed!

~Joanna

where I have been.... :)

2011-08-18T18:37:00.000-04:00

As you can tell from the picture above (of our son!), I am pregnant (24 weeks to be exact) with baby #2. I had hyperemesis again from week 5.5 to about week 13, but praise G-d that's over! I will be writing about that soon in a post. Thank you for your prayers, and I hope to get back to blogging very soon! :)

hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

2010-12-08T14:16:00.001-05:00

Having three good friends who are currently pregnant, pregnancy is once again on my mind… and G-d willing, perhaps I will be experiencing it again for myself someday soon. However, while I am NOT pregnant and still thinking somewhat clearly, I wanted to list some ideas that I or others have had to make pregnancy a little easier for those of us who seem to have our fair share (or more) of morning sickness. Even if, and I would welcome it with open arms, I am not as sick with my next pregnancy (bizrat HaShem), this list and the preparations required could never be in vain because it may prove helpful to someone else out there. So here goes:

Preparing the home:
When I was pregnant, there were SO many things even at home that I could not stand the smell of, and now living in a small apartment with downstairs neighbors, I anticipate the situation being even worse for a sick pregnant woman. There are things that are out of our control, namely how our husbands smell (which really bothered me) or what the neighbors are cooking for dinner (which fills my tiny bathroom). However, for those that we control, perhaps it will lessen the impact of pregnancy nausea. Here are some ideas that have been rattling around in my head:

Personal care products: try using fragrance-free hand soaps and dish detergent. Many companies make them now (Method), for which I am grateful, and I wish that I had thought of this when I was sick because one of the worst smells I dealt with was the hand soap in my own bathroom. For whatever reason, it was absolutely disgusting, and to this day I REFUSE to buy that scent ever again!! And if you are like me, I didn’t even like the feel of soap on my hands, so I am now looking for fragrance free foaming soap.

I hated having to brush my teeth because it made me more nauseous, but in thinking about it, perhaps the worst part was having to spit out the toothpaste. Now that I have a toddler, I know that fluoride free and “safe to swallow” toothpaste is available (Orajel training toothpaste, J*A*S*O*N brand). So yes, I will be using fruity flavored toddler toothpaste… and swallowing it. :) I have a friend who was able to use orange flavored toothpaste and/or mouthwash, which might be easier to handle than regular mint toothpaste as well.

Body wash (mine and my husband’s) and deodorant did not smell good to me at all either. I’m sure I can find some baby wash/shampoo that is all-natural and fragrance free (or just use the hand soap, who cares!), so my whole family will be using that if it comes down to it!

There are several fragrance-free cleaners available for anything that needs to be cleaned around the house. I use Seventh Generation all-purpose cleaner, and Green Works makes free and clear dish soap and cleaners as well. Free and clear detergent, which I use on little baby clothes anyway, will remove that smell from my clothes, which also bothered me.

The dreaded vitamins: Because my nausea was so severe, I was unable to take prenatal vitamins for many weeks, so my home nurse actually suggested children’s vitamins. If you are able to keep your vitamins down, then continue taking those, but if not, ask your doctor about taking children’s vitamins, which taste much better and come in fruit flavors. I took chewable ones the last time, but I have also discovered some kosher gummies kid’s vitamins that I will try if I need to. They are available on http://www.diapers.com/ and are made by Natural Kingdom. Because they are for children (and not pregnant women), I was informed that I needed to take 4 or 5 a day, so check with your doctor.

Mask it: Having a little one now to care for, I know that the next pregnancy will be a lot different. I don’t look forward to changing diapers, cleaning up messes, or G-d forbid, cleaning up bodily fluids other than my own! So I am planning to wear a mask, possibly live in it, to hopefully mask some of the toddler (and food) smells that will be prevalent. If you find something that DOES smell good to you, put it on the mask if possible. I don’t recall anything smelling “good” to me, except that one time my nephew brought a hotdog with mustard on it into my hospital room, but that was probably because I was on heavy medication and starving to death…. Nevertheless, I do remember that the hospital was one of my favorite places to be at that time because of its sterility and lack of strong odors. How to replicate that at home, I do NOT know! I foresee my husband and daughter having to eat in another room FAR away from me, but it is what it is, and it’s only temporary.

Preparing yourself and your family:
As far as preparing yourself, it seems that all we can really do is pray and patiently wait and see what pregnancy may bring. Each one is different, and each woman is different. Going into it "blind" with my first pregnancy and not having any idea of how sick I could actually get was tough, and I hope that this information will be helpful to those who are in, or preparing for, their first pregnancy. I certainly feel a little more prepared and confident in making it through another pregnancy, even if it is just as bad this time around, because I have an idea of what to expect.

Communicating (and sharing) this list with your husbands (and older children) is very important as well. Men and children can't really be expected to understand what it feels like to be (constantly) nauseous and pregnant, so all they will know is what we tell them. And believe me, I know, the best time to tell them is NOT when you are in the midst of your suffering. Talking was not high up on my list, because as anyone knows, talking make nausea worse! Perhaps make additional lists of items, products, noises, etc. that make you feel worse and give it to them. I remember very clearly how I felt when my husband cooked those scrambled eggs in the kitchen (with no warning to me) while I was sick on the couch, and then tried to get rid of the smell by using an air purifier that made the house smell like chlorine.... I literally wanted to hurt him, but I'm sure he won't do it again. ;) Our loved ones need to know how severely smells can affect pregnant women who, by the way, have the ability to detect the same scents as a hound dog so that they can "smell danger"! Oftentimes, I wished to lose my ability to smell when I was pregnant, but G-d made it this way for a reason. It's up to us to communicate how we're feeling and how our family members can help, and hopefully, they will try their best to do what they have to do to help.

For those who are currently pregnant and sick, I wish you all the best and pray you feel better soon. And if even one of these ideas help one pregnant woman feel a tiny bit better (even if it's me!), then this entry has served its purpose. For anyone preparing to become pregnant, it never hurts to be prepared. Just as we used to do in Florida when a hurricane is on its way, we hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Pregnancy can be similar to a hurricane, I suppose, because when you least expect it and think it's a small scale event, it can dramatically change your life in a moment. However, pregnancies are much more fun and lead to a much greater end, a precious little baby who makes it ALL worth it!

Moms and pregnant women, please feel free to comment and add to this list any ideas that have helped you. The more unconventional, the better!

fighting to be frugal

2010-10-09T21:58:00.000-04:00

Let me give you a word of advice... if you are trying to be frugal and save money, don't move to New York! In my case, there wasn't much choice in the matter, which was a gift from G-d to make it harder for me to get in His way!! I used to be pretty good at being frugal: clipping coupons, repurposing and reusing things, only buying items on sale or on clearance. However, I wouldn't boast in being very frugal at this point in my life. Just about everything costs more in New York! Although I still do all of the things listed above, it doesn't seem to make as much of a difference here. And certain stores that I knew and loved just don't exist here, or I can't get to them! Frugality has become something that I truly have to fight for. Indeed, in our materialistic culture, we all have to fight for it. There is a big difference, however, between spending money on things that we truly need and spending money just to spend money...to fill a void that we are experiencing in our lives. I know that I am certainly guilty of doing both. I enjoy shopping (and it's a good thing that my husband doesn't) for certain things (not groceries). And perhaps because he is the "breadwinner" and provider for our family, my husband is more prone to worry about how much money we have or don't have. I, on the other hand, don't spend much time worrying about where the next dollar is coming from (probably because I am thinking about where I am going to spend it!). The L-rd has truly provided for us in miraculous ways while we have been living in one of the most expensive cities to live in the world! That is no excuse for me to spend money on unnecessary things, though.

In thinking about this, I have come across this verse a couple times in Isaiah (Yesha'yahu): "Why spend money for what isn't food, your wages for what doesn't satisfy?" (Isaiah 55:2) I think that is sometimes the key for us, especially as women, to understand. The world is constantly telling us what we need to spend our money on, but none of it will satisfy.What do you like to spend your money on? I can't say that I look forward to spending money on food. It's usually other things that I think about.

There is a beautiful song that also came to mind. You can listen here: "Jacob's Well" by Nicol Sponberg. This song, especially the second verse: "It's a long hard journey, all the pain it brings... try to quench my yearnings with material things... So I will go to Jacob's well to fill my cup with living water...", sums up what 'shopping' becomes in many women's lives...an unsatisfying and unending quest for fulfillment. It doesn't have to be that way. Let us instead continue our fight to be frugal... for our sake, for our family's sake, and for the sake of telling the world that we have the Living Water-- and it was free.

new adventure and new siddur...

2010-10-07T16:14:00.001-04:00

With the new Torah cycle, I have started doing "Torah school" with my toddler. The lessons are only about 5 minutes, but it's fun. My plan is to homeschool my children, and I have also started a new blog just for that journey: http://www.myfreshwineskins.blogspot.com/.
Visit it to check 0ut the siddur we made! I look forward to this new and challenging adventure as my baby grows up!

the reluctant chef

2010-10-05T17:15:00.002-04:00

The picture was taken from my daughter's children's Bible. It is Martha in the kitchen, begrudgingly working in the kitchen. (My husband tells me that I look like her at times when I am in the kitchen.) I truly wish that I enjoyed cooking/washing dishes more, but that is why I dropped out of culinary school after 6 months, after all... I could never cook for a living! But I would like to cook more for my family. A good friend (who is a good cook) told me that cooking is like her outlet for creative expression because she doesn't scrapbook or anything like that. Well, I write... so I guess I don't need to express myself in cooking! :)

Becoming a mother has made it even more necessary for me to cook, and also helped me to realize that cooking is one of my ministries to my family. I need to be able to provide good, healthy meals for myself, my husband and my daughter to enjoy. Healthy eating habits are formed at home also, so it's really my responsibility to feed them good food. After three and a half years of marriage and nearly two years of motherhood, I am still learning to view my time spent in the kitchen as a blessing. Slowly, slowly... we are all works in progress.

If you are married (or not yet married) and love to cook, then good for you! Keep it up! But for the rest of us, keep trying to serve G-d as you serve those plates to your family! The only way to truly learn to cook for yourself is to practice! As Michelle Duggar says, practice makes progress! Our husbands and children will appreciate the attempt and the love that we pour into each meal. I am forever grateful to the ladies who gave me recipes at my bridal shower, and I'm actually starting to use them! If you need to buy a wedding gift, a bread machine is a wonderful gift... the bride might take a few years to use it, but when she does, she will be singing your praises! ;)

Happy cooking!

because i said so...

2010-08-16T20:14:00.007-04:00

Let me just begin by saying that this issue had me perplexed for months, but I can finally put it into words, (hopefully coherent ones!) Perhaps you've heard of the "deed over creed" understanding in many areas of Judaism today. It was really brought to my attention when I was reading a book on parenting using Jewish principles, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee," by Wendy Mogel M.D. Though intriguing, I wasn't completed satisfied with the idea. However, through this author's explanation coupled with a message I heard my rabbi teach on spiritual maturity, I have come to understand it much more fully now. Oh, the wonderful lessons we learn from parenting children! (and books on parenting!)
Towards the beginning of the book, the author sums up this "deed over creed" idea as follows: "In Jewish theology, deed carries more weight than creed. This means that G-d is more interested in our actions than in pledges of faith, in how we treat others than in the quality of our prayer. The sages of the Talmud taught that G-d said, 'Better that my people should forsake me but observe my laws, than believe in me but not observe my laws.'" (pp.63-64)

As I read this over and over again, it seemed that something was missing. Doesn't it matter what I believe and how I feel as well as what I do? Then I heard my wise rabbi teaching about spiritual maturity... and the pieces came together. In order to become spiritually mature, we have to "do things" that we don't necessarily understand and/or feel positively about. We have to take G-d at His Word and do what He says, just because He said it. Taking Mogel's words into consideration, she is speaking about parenting children... and we are often like children when it comes to our spirituality. When G-d, our Father, tells us to do something, we sometimes ask "why?" just as we asked our own earthly mothers and fathers when we were young. (And I kid you not, I'm certain I have heard my own daughter ask me "why", and she's not even two years old!) Sure enough, just as it did so many years ago, the answer comes booming back, "Because I said so!" As Mogel mentions, it is commonly understood that in Exodus 24:7, "na'aseh venishmah-- you will do and you will understand" was written in that order for a reason. She writes, "First you do. You are welcome to take your doubts along... Every day, you mine the details for opportunities to elevate, to sanctify, to make order and find meaning. From your actions, you begin to learn G-d's wisdom and see the mark of G-d's touch." (p.241) In other words, just do it and understanding will come eventually.

Just as G-d tells us, "do it anyway," we expect our children to obey us, to not play in the street with matches, to respect others' property, to have manners... even if they don't understand what the big deal is, even if they feel like doing the opposite of what we say, and even if they do it while cursing us under their breath. We are responsible for disciplining our children for disobedience, so that they will learn to do what we say, and more importantly, learn the difference between right and wrong. We cannot alter their feelings, but we can alter their behavior. Likewise, G-d has given us commandments to obey (for our own good). Unfortunately, many of us who are adults physically are still children spiritually, so Mogel's comments apply to us as well. In striving to become mature believers, we must do what G-d says. One day, whether it's here in this world or in the next at the Rabbi's feet, when we become mature, we will understand why we did it....

why my posts will probably be shorter...

2010-08-10T14:10:00.005-04:00

Shalom! Wow, I really miss blogging...

Having returned from seven weeks away from home, I'm in the process of getting back on our family schedule, getting our home back in order, and chasing my ever-so-close-to-two-year-old daughter!

In the next year (or however long it takes), I plan to become more serious about writing and publishing a devotional book for messianic women, which is why I started this blog! So if my posts become shorter and fewer, it's because I don't want to post everything that will be in the book... if I do, what's the point of writing the book, right?? So please be patient as I struggle to get these words out of my head and where I really desire them to be.... in a book, in your hands....

Be blessed, and keep reading!

Joanna

one of my favorite series!

2010-07-13T13:59:00.002-04:00

I am re-posting parts 1-3 of the Daughters of Eve series and added part 4 so we can read them in order. It has been a year since I first posted part 1! Wow!

Enjoy!

Joanna

RE-POSTED: Daughters of Eve: Part One (Delicate)

2010-07-13T13:58:00.000-04:00

In checking the results of my poll question, I see that the majority of you are choosing the same topic I chose as the most interesting one in a book about women: spirituality and Torah. I don’t know yet exactly how I am going to expound upon that topic, but I thought it best to explore the women who are in the Torah and discover what we can learn from them. What better place to start than the beginning: Bereshit (Genesis) and with the first woman: Eve.

Our ancestor Eve has a pretty bad reputation, doesn’t she? For many (including Adam!), the entire blame for sin entering the world lies on her shoulders because she was first to eat the forbidden fruit. At best, she has been deemed a weak woman who was deceived by the serpent, added to G-d’s words in saying that they were never to touch the fruit (the first “fence” around the Torah, which was not necessarily a bad idea), and took her husband down with her by giving him the fruit to eat also. But how often do we get a glimpse of Eve as she was created to be, before the fall? If women are to understand what G-d’s purpose for creating women in the first place, shouldn’t we look to her? Well, I have found a couple of authors who have really opened my eyes to the reality that we do need to look at Eve as she was when G-d created her. Yes, she sinned (and so have we), but she was G-d’s first female. Her reputation needs to be redeemed, and in doing so, perhaps our view of womanhood will be also.

The first aspect of Eve we will explore is what she unveils about a woman’s heart and her design. “A woman’s struggle with her sense of worth points to something glorious she was designed to be” (quoted from the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. If you have not read this book, I recommend it!) Think carefully about that statement. Do you ever feel like you’re not living up to what you were created to be? Do you or have you ever struggled with low self worth or self-esteem? I don’t know many women who could honestly answer no to these questions. (I’ve seen an article in a parenting magazine that polled moms on which gender is harder to raise: boys or girls. The results were that girls were easier to raise on every subject except those pertaining to self-esteem. In that area, girls were harder.) It seems that women are queens and princesses somehow ripped away from their kingdoms and domains. We always feel like there is something we’re missing, something we desire but do not have. As the authors put it, “the desire of a woman’s heart and the realities of a woman’s life seem an ocean apart.” This would explain why little girls love fairy tales, love dressing up like princesses…why big girls daydream and keep diaries….why women read romance novels… There’s just something missing. Maybe Eve can help us find it…because she had it…

Something we overlook in the creation account is that Eve was the last creature created, not because she was an afterthought, but because she was the crescendo. She was needed to make the picture complete. Perhaps G-d had Adam wait for her creation so that he would appreciate her all the more when she appeared on the scene. Adam needed to understand that she was taken from him because he needed her. As the Scripture says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) We often take that to say that men should get married, but here it is saying that the world was not a good creation without a woman: it was incomplete. As we see here, a woman cannot complete (fulfill) a man and vice versa. It was G-d who did the completing, for Adam slept through the creation of Eve! Single women should not feel incomplete (as I will mention later) because G-d is the ultimate source of fulfillment. And He fulfilled His creation mission by creating Eve. I love this next quote (let’s do it!): “Step to a window, ladies, if you can. Better still, find some place with a view. Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, ‘The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me.’”(Captivating, p.25) Did you do it? Good. Let’s continue.

We long to be better women, to do more, to love more, to ______ more (you fill in the blank), but we need to understand why we long. We long because we were created to be a holy, loving, beautiful, strong, delicate creature who had a deep and personal relationship with G-d, who walked with her Creator in a Paradise Garden, who had no shame to be naked with her husband, who was the Mother of all the living (hence her name, Chavah), who was co-ruling and subduing the earth, who was commissioned to be fruitful and multiply, who was the perfect image bearer of G-d’s “feminine” qualities…. and we’re not quite there right now, are we? We long because it is G-d’s way of reminding us that we will never be there until we are with Him and know Him as He is… as Eve knew Him…

All women should be able to relate to Eve, as she was the epitome of what a woman was designed to be. In being created in G-d’s image, she possessed His characteristics, especially those that are said to be “feminine” because they are oftentimes more evident in women: compassion, vulnerability, the ability to comfort, tenderness, affection, mercy, desire for relationship, etc. As I wrote about already in “Hide-n-Seek,” women desire to be pursued because G-d desires to be pursued. Women are often G-d’s helping hands, hugging arms, gentle words, and compassionate tears on earth. Writing this makes me want to know more about Eve, makes me love her for who she was…makes me love myself for who I am…I actually look forward to meeting her someday. I have many questions to ask her…but they won’t be accusatory or sarcastic, not anymore. As I will share in the next entry, she was actually trying to do the right thing…

RE-POSTED: Daughters of Eve: Part Two (Bold)

2010-07-13T13:57:00.000-04:00

I had no idea that I would have so much to say about Eve, but I am enjoying every minute of it! Moving on, there is a second aspect of Eve that needs to be dealt with: her strength. I stumbled upon another book at the library (yes, at storytime!) called “Lost Women of the Bible: Finding strength and significance through their stories” by Carolyn Custis James. I have only made it through her section on Eve, but I’m hooked!

James sums up Eve’s “lostness” beautifully: “Eve’s role as instigator in the debacle blotted out the wonder and significance of her creation out of Adam’s side, along with Adam’s rapturous delight in her. Rarely does anyone recall her as the sole inspiration for the world’s first poetry. Even if she lived the rest of her life like Mother Theresa, the world can never forgive what she did to us in Eden. There’s no talk of amnesty for the first human being to break the rank and rebel against G-d. No chance we will forget the “rash hand” that reached for the fruit. A few swift movements and it was over. Eve got lost in Paradise—as lost as any woman has ever been. What she was in earlier times is only a dim and distant memory.” As a woman who knows how it feels to be lost, I forgive her… what about you?

Eve, being the ancestor of all females, must have left a legacy that can pertain to all females: married and single, young and old, mothers and childless. We’ve already seen how studying Eve can show us the depths and desires of a woman’s heart. It was that longing that brought Eve to taste the fruit in the first place. As the serpent told her, the fruit would make her "like G-d" (Genesis 3:4). G-d had indeed said that He made them in His image (1:27), and as James suggests, "being like G-d was Eve's true calling as a woman. This was G-d's design for her. The passion of her heart was to be like G-d. The serpent couldn't possibly have offered her anything more desirable" (Lost Women, p.40). The real problem with Eve was that she failed to trust G-d and what He had told them, and she listened to a voice other than His. We can see ourselves here in Eve because we are often tempted by other voices, by our emotions, by our perception of things (Eve "saw that the tree was good for food and that it was a delight to the eyes" Gen. 3:6)) and we can understand why she ate it. Her intentions were good, but she failed miserably... as her husband, Adam, stood by aware of the falsity of the serpent's words (1 Tim. 2:14 informs us that he was not deceived) in silence, and then ate of the fruit also. We have to wonder what Adam was thinking. Was he thinking? Was he even paying attention? Was he distracted by her beauty? Did he not want to say no to her? The possibilities could go on and on, and if you're married, I think you understand where I'm going with this. An assertive, passionate woman and a silent, unattentive man do not go well together, and the result was catastrophic. We have so much to learn from this moment in history...

Eve was created to be Adam's " suitable helper" (Gen. 2:18), his ezer kenegdo in Hebrew. Various translations of the phrase are "helper, strong helper, companion, helpmeet", or as is mentioned in Captivating, "sustainer beside him" (p.31, credited to Robert Alter) or even "lifesaver" (p.32). As you may already know, elsewhere in Scripture this description is used of G-d. G-d is ezer in Deuteronomy 33:26, 29; Psalm 121:2, Psalm 20:2, Psalm 33:20, and Psalm 115:9-11 to name a few places. The world needs women just as someone in danger needs a lifesaver ("to do him good and not evil all the days of her life" Proverbs 31:12). Eve was called to be that, and we know that she failed in the garden. Nevertheless, the purpose for woman's creation remains. "The ezer is a warrior, and this has far reaching implications for women, not only in marraige, but in every relationship, season, and walk of life. G-d created Eve with a mission. The man was alone in the world-- the only one on earth who walked by faith. G-d was preparing to launch the most ambitious enterprise imaginable. The potential for overload, burnout, discouragement, and unbelief was enormous, worse considering the fierce opposition the Enemy was about to mount. Adam couldn't fight these battles alone. So G-d created the ezer as the man's staunchest ally in the life of faith and in fulfilling the Cultural Mandate. Together they exercised dominion to advance G-d's kingdom in their own hearts and on earth." (Lost Women, p.36) I couldn't have said it better myself. I don't know about you, but I needed to hear this. I'm sure I've heard something like it before, but there's something special about the way this author expresses it. I am an ezer, you are an ezer (if you're female), and there is an ezer sleeping in her crib now in the next room. We were called to stand beside men in every aspect of their lives. We are a team, a partnership, a blessed alliance. We learn from the creation of Eve that there are two callings that every female is born with: to be G-d's image bearer and to be an ezer.

As ezers, we are called to join the battle. Men are called to be our spiritual leaders, yes, but that gives us no excuse for sitting on the sidelines. We have to be "responsible to think, decide, and act in ways that honor G-d." (Lost Women, p. 39) There are times when we need to be bold and to initiate words or actions. We also need to encourage and support. We were created for these things.

My hope is that Eve's reputation has been redeemed somewhat by this study of her. There is still more to Eve that I will mention at another time. May she inspire us to be who G-d created us to be.

Be delicate. Be bold. Be a daughter of Eve.

RE-POSTED: Daughters of Eve: Part Three (Cursed)

2010-07-13T13:53:00.000-04:00

I've already written about Eve before the fall with hopes of redeeming her reputation in Daughters of Eve Parts One & Two, but now with that done I thought it also necessary to write about her after that fateful day. After all, that day did change the future lives of all of Eve's daughters.

In Genesis 3:16, Eve receives her curse from the L-rd. He says, "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth children; your desire shall be for your husband, and He shall rule over you." In other translations, it says "increase your pain in childbirth" so I'm not sure if the curse was to make childbirth painful, or just to make it more painful. If you think about it, it seems unlikely that it could be without any pain, but I do know women who attest to painless deliveries (and frankly, I would like to be one of them!). Regardless of exactly what it is saying here, childbirth has become a very painful experience and unfortunately, some of our modern day medical 'advances' make it more painful than it was meant to be, i.e. inducing labor, falsely stimulating contractions, and requiring a laboring woman to lie on her back in a hospital bed to name a few. The New King James translation above makes me think that this curse had more to do with than just labor and delivery. That would actually be fairly mild of G-d because most labors last about 12-24 hours, which is nothing in comparison to a woman's lifetime. The verse also mentions 'sorrow' and 'conception.' This coupled with the fact that I am a woman, I would venture to say that our curse involves our entire reproductive system. Not to be too graphic, but do you think that Eve would have had a menstrual cycle before the fall, living happily naked in the garden with her husband? I think not. Nor do I think that G-d created Eve barren, and biologically we know that in most cases at least, it is necessary to have a menstrual cycle in order to conceive a child. It is possible (as anything is with G-d) that Eve was able to conceive without this cycle. So does that mean that our monthly 'visitor' was part of the curse? I don't know (but I'm certainly willing to say yes because it sometimes feels like a curse, doesn't it?). Thanks to Eve (but I still forgive her), we have painful monthly cycles, difficulty conceiving or barrenness, complicated pregnancies, miscarriages, stillbirths, and pain in labor and delivery. It doesn't end here, however.

As commentator Matthew Henry suggests, "The sorrows of child-bearing are multiplied; for they include, not only the travailing throes, but the indispositions before (it is sorrow from the conception), and the nursing toils and vexations after; and after all, if the children prove wicked and foolish, they are, more than ever, the heaviness of her that bore them. Thus are the sorrows multiplied; as one grief is over, another succeeds in this world". In thinking about Eve's curse, this is where my mind went also. What about when the babies and children grow up? Through their disobedience, rebellion, and bad choices, their mothers continue to feel the consequences of the curse (G-d knows what I put my mother through during my teenage years!). Thus far, experiencing pregnancy, delivery, and the first ten months of my daughter's life, my potential for joy has increased drastically: so too my potential for sorrow. Any pain, physical or emotional, she has caused me is multiplied greatly because she is my child. As she develops a mind of her own, she is already discovering her power and her independence to make choices, like refusing to eat what is offered to her or continuing to do things that I tell her not to. And it is this point in her life that has brought me to continue this series on Eve because the curse is already being felt in my heart. Perhaps every young mother goes over these scenarios in their minds: how will I handle it when she starts to say 'no'?; what will I feel the first time she slams the door in my face or tells me "I hate you"?; will she be embarrassed by me?; will she make the same mistakes I did?; will she grow up to be a godly person? Of course, they are some of the milder side effects of the curse. I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child or not being able to have biological children at all. I refuse to even get a dog now because I can't commit to caring for it as a member of the family. I have had dogs in the past that have passed away because I couldn't afford to take them to the vet or I was too busy for them. That pain is enough for me, but I'm sure it is nothing compared to losing a child. Imagine that one of your children takes the life of another of your children. Eve could tell us what that feels like. We don't hear much about her after Cain murders Abel in Scripture besides the account of her other children, but surely she dealt with the resulting pain for the rest of her life.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic (although this is a serious subject to deal with). By faith, I don't expect my little girl or any subsequent children of mine (B"H) to reject me, be rebellious, or grow up resisting the faith and values that I will work hard to instill in them. In this fallen world, it is a known fact that children cause their mothers a great deal of pain, and vice versa. I guess in my mind I am expecting the best, but trying to prepare myself for the worst. For now, I will just continue to enjoy my precious little gift who cannot really speak yet, and pray for HaShem's wisdom and guidance to bring her up to revere and love Him, and in turn revere and love me and my husband.

Unfortunately, the curse doesn't end here. If it did, it would only affect women of child-bearing age and mothers. It continues, "your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. I've mentioned earlier that many believe this verse to be dealing with a woman's desire to be in control and to rule over her husband although G-d had given spiritual dominion to men. Henry sums it up like this: " If man had not sinned, he would always have ruled with wisdom and love; and, if the woman had not sinned, she would always have obeyed with humility and meekness; and then the dominion would have been no grievance: but our own sin and folly make our yoke heavy. If Eve had not eaten forbidden fruit herself, and tempted her husband to eat it, she would never have complained of her subjection; therefore it ought never to be complained of, though harsh; but sin must be complained of, that made it so. Those wives who not only despise and disobey their husbands, but domineer over them, do not consider that they not only violate a divine law, but thwart a divine sentence." In this sinful world, where two imperfect people get married, it is commonplace that a man will try to control (even abuse) every aspect of his wife's existence, and a woman will disrespect (even despise)and nag her husband to the point that he wished he didn't exist. If we are both submissive to G-d and His word, however, our marriages will not follow this pattern. I spoke about a woman's most dangerous weapon (her mouth) in my post, "Do you drip?" so I won't go into detail here. Suffice it to say that women sometimes feel a need to be in control of every situation, and this is most certainly a result of the fall. This aspect of the curse also seems to affect a limited amount of women: those who are married. What about the rest of womankind?

If you have not read parts one and two of Daughters of Eve, I invite you to read them now. There I speak of what Eve teaches us about all women: our longing to be loved, to be beautiful, to be accepted, to be pursued...
The curse of Eve affects us all as we strive to fill the voids and the holes in our hearts with anything other than our Creator himself. Without Him, we are lost and indeed continue to be cursed. But with Him, we are magnificently loved, fully accepted, exceptionally beautiful, and constantly pursued...

To be a mother, a wife, a follower of G-d: the sorrows will come, but the unspeakable joys make the journey well worth it.

Daughters of Eve: Part Four (Blessed)

2010-07-13T13:50:00.001-04:00

After writing Part Three (Cursed), I realized that I could not end it there because I failed to mention a very important verse in Genesis. I also wanted to end on a very positive note (if this in indeed the end of Eve's series!) So once more, I am peeling away the layers of our mother, ancestor, and model: Eve.

Although G-d is speaking to the serpent in Genesis 3:15, Eve is mentioned. Here, G-d says, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise His heel." While I am not equipped to go into an in depth study of all aspects of this verse, I just want to focus on the woman's "seed". The word for "seed" in Scripture other places is used for "offspring," but it is usually directed at men's offspring because the same word is also used for 'semen.' That should make us think that this verse is unique. Eve apparently thought so, too. In Genesis 4:1, she gives birth to Seth and says, "I have acquired a man from the L-RD." She was obviously thrilled to have a son after what G-d had said concerning her "seed." In theology today, this is considered the first messianic prophecy concerning Yeshua. He would be the One who came into the world, being carried in the womb of his earthly mother, but with no earthly father to share His bloodline. He was "her seed."

As I wrote about in part three, Eve had her fair share of heartbreak as a mother. However, I would be overlooking a very important detail if I had failed to mention that one of her descendants would be the Messiah. We can count her blessed indeed! As a mother myself, I can say that my child has blessed me beyond words and she's not yet two years old! Our children have a place in our hearts like no one else. They often receive the best we have to offer... of love, of compassion, of tenderness and care. We long for them to be healthy, happy (sometimes to their detrement), and successful. We drown them with affection and strive to give them everything they could ever need (or want). We spoil them (just admit it, we do!) We love them like we love ourselves because they once were (and in our minds, always will be) a part of us. There is no love like the love that exists between a mother and her children. Knowing this, I am certain that Eve's children gave her as much (or more) joy than hardship.

Writing this series has given me a new and immeasurable respect and regard for Eve and her legacy. As we remember her, let's try not to be so harsh on her. After all, if placed in the same situation and under the same deceptive temptation, we would have probably done the same thing... Let us see her as she was created to be, as we were created to be. She was delicate, she was bold, she was cursed, and she was blessed... not much different than you and I. She was the first woman created in His image and likeness. Surely that is enough reason to honor her...

why so jewish?

2010-06-30T20:02:00.006-04:00

The four words that have often come in some form or another to many of us in a conversation (or a rebuke)... "but you're not Jewish..."

My response to this always comes down to one simple fact: The Messiah was Jewish, I belong to Him, and I just want to be like Him. If G-d had chosen to send the Messiah into 20th century China instead of 1st century Israel, then I suspect that I would be more engrossed in Chinese history and culture. But He didn't...

Just as it was in Yeshua's day, the "spiritual segregation" of Jews and Gentiles (I prefer the terms Hebrews and non-Hebrews) is still going on in messianic congregations and gatherings today. The notion that non-Hebrew believers (like myself) are second-class citizens in the Kingdom G-d, and therefore they are not required to keep the Torah because it doesn't belong to them, is very prevalent... even causing a highly respected ministry organization to change their view and recant their position on this sensitive subject.

This issue has been on my mind and heart lately, as I have had the opportunity to hear for myself an individual who, in his Shabbat message, entirely excluded non-Hebrews from his teaching about observing Torah. He successfully left me and my husband feeling offended, hurt, and less than inspired as he proclaimed that Jewish believers are being led to keep the Torah by the Spirit of G-d (which is true, but what about me? Do I have the "Gentile Holy Spirit"? Is there not one Spirit of G-d?)

I am in the process of researching for the post that could be (from my vantage point) the post of all posts: the relationship between non-Hebrew believers and the Torah of G-d. This is a subject very near and dear to my heart... and perhaps yours too.

As a side note, I am enjoying my "vacation" in sunny South Florida, staying with my Rabbi and his family, and catching up with everyone that I have missed terribly this past six months. It is amazing to be back in my "home" congregation, where visitors have a hard time distinguishing between the "Jews" and the "Gentiles"... I suppose it will be like that also in the Kingdom of G-d, when ALL of His children sit at His feet, learning and doing Torah... just like Yeshua.

boat tour on the Hudson River

2010-06-09T14:21:00.002-04:00

We have been fairly busy with family and events lately. I am also in the process of preparing to leave for Florida on Sunday for a (long) visit. I will try to write more from there! Blessings, Joanna

my "Called to Cover" interview

2010-06-03T15:17:00.000-04:00

I was recently interviewed by a young woman and fellow blogger in her "Called to Cover" series, which I think is a great idea! If you are a head-covering woman, you can go to her blog, http://www.asetapartlife.blogspot.com/ to be interviewed. I enjoyed answering the questions so much that I posted them here!

1. Please tell us a little bit about yourself and your faith
I am a 29 year old wife, mother of one, and "blogger" I have had a relationship with Yeshua for just over 7 years now, and have been pursuing the Torah and a messianic lifestyle for almost 6 of those 7 years. Becoming more and more Torah observant as those years went by, I have come to realize how much Yeshua truly loved and kept the Torah of G-d, and He desires His followers to do the same. My passion and calling in life is to share the Good News of the Jewish Messiah, Yeshua, with His own relatives, the Jewish people. My family is currently doing that in Brooklyn, New York, through the ministry of Chosen People Ministries.

2. Why do you choose to cover?
There are several reasons why I chose to begin covering my head with a hat. For one, it is a constant visual reminder for me that I am to be submissive to G-d always and everywhere because He is above me, and also a reminder to submit to my husband. There is also nothing in Scripture that would discourage a woman (especially a married woman) from covering her hair. Secondly, it sets me apart from other women and has led to conversations with orthodox Jewish women who felt comfortable and curious enough to talk to me about religion because my head was covered.

3. How long have you been covering?
I have been consistently covering my head for about a year now.

4. Do you wear your head covering everyday?
Yes. I wear it whenever I leave my home, or when I have company over.

5. Have you noticed a difference in the way others perceive/treat you?
Yes. I have had people comment on the fact that I seem "different" when I was attending a Christian college. Other than that, it's mostly a difference in the way that men look at me and interact with me that I have noticed.

6. Have you encountered any negative opposition to your choice from friends or family? If so, how do you deal with that?
I don't recall any negative opposition, but some have just asked questions, and when I answer them, they have usually been considerate and understanding. Now, living in a largely Muslim neighborhood, I do get some "looks" for my hat, long skirts, my Star of David necklace, etc. but I look forward to building relationships with them based on the foundation that they also value modesty, and that we are not enemies.

7. Do you have any advice or resource suggestions for women who are just beginning to cover?My advice would be this: The most beautiful thing about covering your hair is that you are saying to the world, "I am not oppressed or abused, I am so valuable that only my husband can see what my hair really looks like in its natural state. G-d gave me my hair as a covering, for the sake of modesty, and as a gift to the one man that I desire to desire me..." Don't worry about what other people think about your hair covering, what matters is your heart's attitude in the matter. Hair covering, like all issues of modesty, is really something that is between you and G-d, and your husband if you are married. A couple of resources that I found extremely encouraging are two articles: one at www.covermyhair.com (scroll down for it), which is an explanation of why Jewish women cover their hair, and the other one is at http://www.aish.com/f/rf/48944771.html which is a beautiful response from a Rabbi's wife to a question about hair covering, and it emphasizes the fact that we are choosing inner beauty over outer beauty.

the best part of waking up...

2010-06-02T10:08:00.006-04:00

"You should wake up with gratitude to G-d for having restored your faculties, and with a lionlike resolve to serve your Creator, you should immediately declare:

I gratefully thank You, O living and eternal King, for You have returned [I say 'awakened'] my soul within me with compassion-- abundant is Your faithfulness."

~ "Upon Arising" from the

Artscroll Women's Siddur~

Thus begins the "Shacharit," or morning prayers in the Siddur. It should be the first thing one says when waking up each morning. If you're like me, perhaps you have mumbled it to yourself occassionally while dragging yourself out of bed to tend to the little one whose gleeful chatter flows from the baby monitor. I know that lions can be fairly lazy at times, but I don't think this is what is meant by "lionlike resolve!" I consider myself a "morning person" to an extent, because that is usually when I'm most productive and have the most energy. However, I cannot even begin to compare myself with my daughter, who is definitely a morning person! When she wakes up, she hardly ever cries. Rather, she jumps right back into the conversation she was having with herself the previous day... she squeals, she laughs, she bangs on the crib...

She has been a great reminder to me that the best part of waking up is not Folger's in your cup (although I do drink Folger's in the morning), but the best part of waking up is waking up! As soon as we realize that we have been given another day of life, there is more than enough reason to exclaim our gratitude! It is only with G-d's help that we are able to breathe at all. As it is stated in the "Bedtime Shema," we ask G-d "may You illuminate my eyes lest I die in sleep, for it is You who illuminates the pupil of the eye." Without His approval, there would be no waking up.

It's nice to read Psalm 5 in the morning, because in verse 3, it says: "In the morning, O L-RD, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch." Mornings can be difficult for families, especially with small children. Nevertheless, we should strive to express our gratitude to HaShem and let Him hear our voice, so that we can prepare ourselves to "eagerly watch" and see what He will do throughout the day ahead.

the faceless child

2010-05-19T22:06:00.002-04:00

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb

~Psalm 139:13~

Pregnancy is one of the greatest miracles I have experienced in my life. A topic has arisen, however, that is one of the greatest mysteries in my life... One that I will be reminded of each time I go to a new gynecologist or doctor, which I did two days ago. There is always the question of "how many pregnancies..." and my answer is currently "two." Unfortunately, my answer to how many children is "one."

In my past life, (in other words, before I knew Yeshua), I experienced a miscarriage at the young age of 20 years old. In addition, within the past few months, the issue has been brought even closer to home as miscarriages have affected the lives of family and friends. Experiencing a miscarriage is an indescribable loss, the loss of your own flesh... within your flesh. Whether it occurs when the baby is five weeks old (which mine did) or five months, it's devastating. Since mine happened early on, I can only imagine that the pain would grow deeper as the weeks and months of bonding and anticipation go along. With that said, I feel that a stillbirth would somehow be the most painful of them all. Anything that I remember about the physical process is too graphic to post here, but I clearly remember that the emotional distress was much worse than anything physical I experienced. Tears of sadness, grief, and disappointment mingled with tears of anger and disbelief. The lingering guilt that maybe I had done something wrong... the fear of getting pregnant again... it's all still real to me. The insensitivity of the staff mixed with the physically painful experience at the E.R... definitely not something I would want to experience again. The doctor I was referred to didn't give me any reason other than the fact that "my body had rejected it"... perhaps she found me too young to understand anything medical, so I'll never know what happened... perhaps she didn't know either.

I found this quote today: "Not all suffering can be explained. There is pain, sometimes, that is not punishment and not repair. True, we were given Torah, a G-dly wisdom containing.. things even Moses asked about and was told to be quiet, to cease to ask... We can only know that whatever happens is from G-d, that G-d is just, and that He does not desire suffering. But until the end of days, we will have to suffer the 'why'" ~Tzvi Freeman. Even though there are no answers to the 'why's of my suffering or the 'why's of the millions of other women who experience such a loss, I did come to see that it didn't happen in vain. It was not until years later, after coming to the knowledge that Yeshua was the Messiah and that He was the Author of Life, that I begin to make peace with the tragedy turned blessing in disguise. Although it is not the case for many women who experience this, I was young, unmarried, and in a relationship that G-d knew (I didn't at the time) was fruitless and even destructive. Through this precious soul that He allowed in my womb for five short weeks, I began to see more clearly that my life was not moving in the direction where, deep down, I desired it to go.

In Ecclesiastes 7:1-4, we read this: "A good name is better than a good ointment, And the day of one's death is better than the day of one's birth. It is better to go to a house of mourning Than to go to a house of feasting, Because that is the end of every man, And the living takes it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, For when a face is sad a heart may be happy. The mind of the wise is in the house of mourning, While the mind of fools is in the house of pleasure." Mourning can lead to some deep thinking. Believe me, I know. Within only a few years, I lost an unborn child, my father, and my grandmother. And a few years after that, I gained a relationship with the One who was the only One who could comfort me, Yeshua. Now, years later, I understand that although G-d did not desire to make me suffer, He used each one of these tragedies to bring me just a little closer to Him.... until "the mind of the wise" led me to His feet.

In wanting to reach out to anyone who has suffered this kind of loss, I searched for some resources (there doesn't seem to be a lot!) to share with you. Although I don't agree with them on everything theologically, http://www.chabad.org/ has proven helpful to me concerning many issues. They have an extensive array of articles just for women. I found two concerning miscarriage (by the way, one of might mention reincarnation which I certainly don't agree with, but the good thing about them is they are from personal experiences): They are: "The Empty Sac" www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/337722/jewish/The-Empty-Sac.htm, and "The Unlit Candle" www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/804487/jewish/The-Unlit-Candle

As far as written materials go, I searched at http://www.christianbook.com/ and got a pretty lengthy list: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/easy_find?Ntt=miscarriage&N=0&Ntk=keywords&action=Search&Ne=0&event=ESRCN&nav_search=1&cms=1&search=%3CSPAN+class%3D%22big-blue-button+cleartype%22%3EGo%3C%2FSPAN%3E and I assume that they are written from a Christian perspective.

I'll never forget that night several years ago, watching some Christian talk-show on television, that it truly hit me. There is a faceless soul, a child... in the presence of G-d Almighty Himself... who happens to be mine, or at least the one that G-d loaned to me for five weeks in my womb. Now I can honestly say, this brings me nothing but great joy and gratitude.

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven"

~Matthew 18:10~

** After writing this, I began reading "The Gospel of Ruth" by Carolyn Custis James. I would recommend it to any woman, especially those who are having trouble conceiving children or experiencing miscarriages, etc.

teaching tzedakah

2010-05-16T13:28:00.000-04:00

"Count off fifty days up to the day after the seventh Sabbath, and then present an offering of new grain to the L-rd."

Leviticus (Vayikra 23:16)

With Shavuot, the Feast of Weeks in Leviticus 23, (very informative article on Shavuot: http://ffoz.org/messiahonline/articles/appointed_times/shavuot.php?zoom_highlight=shavuot+tzedakah approaching, many people all over the world are thinking about giving tzedakah (referring to charity, but translated from the Hebrew as "justice" or "righteousness")

This is a beautiful time of year to also teach our children the importance of tzedakah. To teach it, however, we must first make it a vital part of our lives, because children learn what they live. Having a family tzedakah box inside your home is a great place to start, having a common goal of how your spare change could be used to bless someone else's life. I recently came across a "Wonder Pets" family charity bank on NickJr.'s website, and since my daughter loves the show, I'm going to make one. But we already have several places for our change (which is the problem), but the boxes never fill up because the change is spread too thin! Nevertheless, even an 18-month old can put quarters into a bank slot, and she loves to do it! Other forms of tzedakah don't require money banks at all. We can write checks, give online, give cash, give food, clothes, volunteer our time, etc. etc. If we make giving a part of our lives (and do it joyfully), then our children will learn to do the same.

I found this article to be very helpful in explaining a Jewish understanding of tzedakah, so I pasted it in its entirety. Find the original at: http://www.myjewishlearning.com/practices/Ethics/Tzedakah_Charity/Themes.shtml?PRET "Anyone who has ever studied another language knows that there are certain ideas and concepts that can only be understood in their original language. In Jewish tradition, too, there are values embedded in its very language of keywords and phrases that cannot always be adequately translated or explained. The Hebrew word tzedakah is one example.

Although often translated as “charity,” tzedakah is not equivalent to charity. Rather, its root means “justice.” Charity comes from the Latin word caritas, which means “love.” The concept of charity in English is considered voluntary because it comes from the heart. In Christianity, charity is something which people give when their hearts move them.

In contrast, tzedakah/justice is a biblical and rabbinic concept that embodies the idea that Jews are obligated to pursue social and economic justice. Jews must help the oppressed members of society as well as those in financial straits not because they want to, but because they are required to do so as one way of serving G-d, performing G-d’s commandments, and even acting like G-d. (Indeed, in the biblical text the word “tzedakah” is usually used as an expression of

G-d’s own righteousness and justice—and human beings are commanded to pursue tzedek (a closely related word), social justice.) Tzedakah is a way of looking at the world and understanding the human role in creating a more perfect world—and by doing so, imitating qualities of the Divine.

The giving of tzedakah is even equated with a spiritually righteous and expiating act of religious significance. Rabbi Akiba, one of the greatest rabbis from the time of the Talmud, once stated that when the ancient Temple in Jerusalem used to stand, the altar, upon which animal sacrifices were made, used to atone for the sins of the people of Israel. But since the destruction of the Temple in 70 CE by the Romans, Rabbi Akiba claimed that now a person’s dining table atones for each person's sins. How so? By being able to invite needy guests home and to provide them with food.

The talmudic rabbis felt strongly about the spiritual significance of tzedakah, claiming that when one practices tzedakah and justice, it is as though he or she had filled the world with lovingkindness. One rabbinic teaching states that when a beggar stands before you asking for alms, you should know that the holy presence of G-d stands by the beggar’s side

Tzedakah is closely related to gemilut chasadim, which involves actions and commitment beyond mere financial gifts. It can mean donating one’s time and energy to helping others, such as reading for the blind, visiting in a hospital, or volunteering in a food bank. The Jewish tradition requires us to give something of ours, money and time, to those in need. It also recognizes that throughout our lives we will all be in need at various times, of financial assistance or simply of care throughout life’s challenges, and that providing such assistance is required of individuals and communities. In the theology of Judaism, all of our possessions, and even the time we are allotted on earth, are but a loan from the Creator. Therefore, when we engage in the commandment and duty of tzedakah (and the related category of gemilut chasadim), we are securing a more equitable distribution of G-d's gifts to humanity."

This same website also had an article on how to teach children about tzedakah, which is at:

http://www.myjewishlearning.com/practices/Ethics/Tzedakah_Charity/Themes/Teaching_Tzedakah.shtml?PRET

In conclusion, I think the best way to teach children how to give is to show them. If they don't see you giving, then they won't know that you are. Getting them involved in tzedakah projects as a family is crucial to their understanding of tzedakah. As my daughter gets older, I make sure that she "gives gifts" to others, which consists right now of her handing them the gift, but as she gets older, she will be able to give gifts of her own. Young children can "pick out" gifts, can hand money to homeless people, can put a donation into a tzedakah box, can help pack a box that is being sent overseas, can volunteer their time, can make people smile, etc.... so never underestimate the power of a child to give. In fact, it is usually children who teach us adults how to give! And they do it cheerfully, as we are told to do in 2 Corinthians 9:7.

In searching for ways that a small child can be involved in giving, I came across the Pajama Program/The Great Sprout tuck-in (if you watch Sprout on demand, you've heard of it!), which donates new pajamas and books to children in need, many waiting to be adopted. A toddler can certainly help pick out a pair of jammies and a book to give away, and for older children there is a "pajama party" to collect the donations and send them in. All the info can be found here:

www.sproutonline.com/sprout/greattuckin This is just one simple way to teach children to give, but more importantly, they need to see us give... and not just money, of course. Children see and hear everything.... how we spend our time, how we treat other people, how we talk to people, and how we give of ourselves to others, and that is what they will imitate.

In this season of special offerings and gifts (and celebrating the beautiful gift of the Torah that G-d gave us, both the Written and the Living Torah), let us also give... give to G-d, give to others, and give our children an understanding that tzedakah is not something we do every once in a while to feel good about ourselves, but it's a way of life.

inner dialogue...

2010-05-16T11:57:00.007-04:00

The past couple weeks have been joyfully busy ones... celebrating Mother's Day and my 29th birthday in the same month, watching movies, reading (I've acquired 7 new books, some from my husband and some I bought for myself as birthday gifts), organizing things around the house, and doing crafts (in order words, making messes) with my daughter. It's been fun, but (unfortunately) has led to me not writing very much.

One of the books that my husband gave me for Mother's Day, Living Simply by Joanne Heim, was a great reminder to, well...live simply! This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately, and the insight I gained from reading this book was very encouraging. Although there was some information that did not pertain to me because I am messianic (and the author is Christian), it was still a great read.

In striving to live simply, I also want to blog simply! Most (or all) of my blog entries have always have directly connected to what is going on in my life, my mind, my heart, my surroundings, etc. Even though I choose to write them as if I am teaching a lesson, it is always myself whom I am teaching it to! I also plan to publish many in a devotional-type book, so that is another reason I write them this way. I prefer to look at them as an inner dialogue (or should I say dia-blog?) written in a different way than me just expressing my thoughts in a personal journal style. I think that my blog subtitle expresses it best: I'm here to share, inspire, encourage, and connect... and if we learn something along the way, that's just an added bonus! (I have learned a lot, by the way!)

Although I have MANY blog entries that are in the works (some being typed, some just in my head), I don't post them until I feel that they are complete and that I've considered what others have said or written about the issue. So be patient... they're coming!!

I'm also preparing to go to Florida in mid-June to visit family and friends, so that doesn't help me to focus on writing either. It just makes me giddy!! Anyway, thanks for listening, for reading, and for waiting...

Shavuah Tov!

-Joanna

six months 'til terrible...

2010-05-06T19:34:00.007-04:00

In a mere six months, I will be the proud mother of a two-year old. I've worked with two-year olds before at a preschool, so I'm not too worried about her becoming "terrible." I'm more excited than anything. It seems that every day now, she learns something new, expresses herself in a different way. It's truly amazing to watch her grow up. I look at her baby pictures and cannot imagine her ever being that small, that fragile... I've been blessed to be her mother this long, and I look to forward to every day the L-rd allows us to spend together. She's my princess, my little helper, my constant companion...

Looking forward to my second Mother's Day

(with her outside the womb)...

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mothers, too!

The Shema

2010-05-05T15:05:00.003-04:00

Our little Elli is a master of imitation. All children are, because that is how they learn to do things, by copying others. We chant the Shema with her twice a day, before naptime and before bedtime. So, in seeing us cover our eyes to remember the holiness of G-d, she now does the same thing. It's so precious to us, and I know that it is even more precious to HaShem.

the barren womb

2010-04-28T12:55:00.009-04:00

"The leech has two daughters, "Give, Give." There are three things that will not be satisfied, four that will not say, "Enough": Sheol and the barren womb, Earth that is never satisfied with water, and fire that never says, "Enough."

Proverbs 30:15-16

As my first wedding anniversary approached, I began to show symptons of a virus that affects millions of women each day I'm sure, "the baby bug." You probably know what I'm referring to... the endless daydreaming of what it would be like to be pregnant, to actually hold your baby in your arms, strolling through the baby sections of every store you enter because the clothes are just so little and cute, thumbing through baby naming books, finding yourself staring at mothers with their babies, seeing the world through pink and baby blue-colored glasses... perhaps you've been there, too.

I remember those naive feelings of bliss, clueless about what it would really mean to actually experience motherhood, thinking that my world was about to transform into some kind of paradise. It continued after the "positive" pregnancy test, and then six weeks after conceiving, the paradise turned into puke-ville! As I wrote about in detail in the post, "A Time to be Sick," I had a very unpleasant three and a half months of severe morning sickness during my pregnancy. It was only then that I learned that having a baby was much more than picking out patterns and clothes, having a shower, and deciding on names. It was the biggest test of self-sacrifice that I have ever and possibly will ever face, giving up your body in a sense in order to nourish and sustain another body, another life. True, pre-pregnancy and pregnancy is the time to be blissfully naive, extremely happy and hopeful, and I never attempt to make pregnant women feel otherwise. They should be smiling, glowing! It's truly an amazing state to be in! When the baby joins the family, then reality has a way of showing up! Don't get me wrong, I loved the last half of my pregnancy, coming home from the hospital with the cries of newborns freshly ringing in my ear, sleeping in the recliner because I was unable to lie flat in bed, and stumbling around in the dark at all hours of the night to tend to my new daughter... It was an incredible, almost surreal experience for my husband and I, and we hope to do it all again.

Which brings me to the present time, recently discovering that a close friend is pregnant with baby number three, and I find myself with a (temporary) case of the baby bug again. For a few days, I found myself repeating those same daydreams, even though I know what reality feels like! So once again, I see the truth and the importance of the above verse from Proverbs. A barren womb is never satisfied... I think we should not miss the fact that barren womb is mentioned alongside death, thus alluding to the fact that both are real and powerful forces. I have mentally and emotionally felt the pull of my own barren womb, so I am aware of its power. Perhaps you've been there, too. I do plan, Bizrat HaShem, to have more children, but not now. In weighing the pros and cons, I've decided it is not the most favorable time for my family to add another member, especially taking my sickness into account. However, just as sure as I hear my biological clock ticking, I hear my womb whispering, "more"...

Being a mother and still experiencing this "syndrome" makes me wonder how childless women must feel. I have heard it said that all women desire deep down to be mothers, and although there certainly are women who are too busy, selfish, and comfortable to be "inconvenienced" with children, I cannot say what is truly going on in their hearts. Perhaps the desire can be quelled or redirected to having money, pets, collectibles, etc. Of course, I am not speaking for women who are unable to conceive children and/or adoption is not a viable option for them... they have my deepest sympathy. Nevertheless, I would like to encourage anyone who does not have children of their own by going deeper in this matter.

Being a mother can mean much more than physically having children. I know of plenty of women who have conceived and given birth, but I would not call them mothers at all. If you are childless, let me encourage you with this verse from Isaiah used to bless single women every shabbat:

"Sing, barren woman who has never had a child! Burst into song, shout for joy,

you who have never been in labor! For the deserted wife will have more children than the woman who is living with her husband, " says Adonai... Don't be afraid,

for you won't be ashamed; don't be discouraged, for you won't be disgraced. You will forget the shame of your youth, no longer remember the dishonor of being widowed. For your husband is your Maker, the L-rd of Hosts is His name. The Holy One

of Israel is your Redeemer. He will be called the G-d of all the earth."

Isaiah 54:1,4,5.

How can the barren woman end up with more children than the mother? By having spiritual children. Think about it, a woman who directs her maternal instincts to forming relationships with spiritual children can have more children than any of us would ever dream of having physically (yes, even Michelle Duggar!) And the quantity is not the important part. You don't need hundreds of spiritual children, just a few good ones. If we are honest, we know that in many cases, the people who had the biggest spiritual impact on us are not our parents at all. All women, whether mothers or not, are called and commanded to teach and disciple younger women. In Titus 2:3-5, older women are told to teach the younger women, and I think age here is more about spiritual maturity than the number of years you've been on the earth.

I have had and am grateful for the many women who have "mothered" me. Whether it was my biological mother who nurtured me, my senior-citizen neighbor who taught me how to cross-stitch, the co-worker who gave me advice regarding health, the friend who brought me chicken soup when I could not eat much more than that, or the many older women who pray for me and offer spiritual guidance. It is very important to have these women in our lives, whether they are spiritual mothers or spiritual daughters. If you have no experience raising children, then pray that G-d would send you a young woman that needs guidance in something you do have experience doing. Teach her to read, to write, to sew, to cook, to love G-d... whatever you can teach her. Surely she will be grateful to have a spiritual mother like you in her life.

So, mothers and spiritual mothers alike, the next time your barren womb whispers to you, "not satisfied," ... just pat your belly and say, "Actually, I am more than satisfied... because I have many spiritual children, because my husband is my Maker, the L-rd of Hosts is His name, and He will be called the G-d of all the earth."

the ever-changing background

2010-04-27T23:15:00.003-04:00

Perhaps you wonder why my blog background keeps changing. It's simple, really. I get bored looking at the same one all the time! (I do this at home with furniture and accessories, too.)

It's like virtual interior design (and it's free!) So go crazy... go to shabbyblogs.com or thecutestblogontheblock.com to spice up your own blog! :)

shabbat... with children...

2010-04-27T13:49:00.003-04:00

Shabbat observance, along with most everything else, is something that evolves and changes when children are introduced into a household. "Shabbat with children" almost sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it, moms?! But shabbat rest is certainly more than kicking up your feet or taking a nice, long nap. When your soul is at rest with its Creator, then you can have rest... whether it's in a quiet home or one filled with screaming, running children...

Since I only have one child so far and she is only 17 months old, I cannot speak for the mothers who have more and have older children, but I will try my best to generally speak about what Shabbat can be like for mothers, and soon enough I will be able to speak with more experience as my little one grows bigger and/or G-d chooses to give us more children.

I remember being in a college classroom (at a Christian university) hearing a classmate express her experience of "keeping the Sabbath," as she was raised in a Seventh Day Adventist home. She spoke of its legalism, how her parents would not allow her to watch television or go anywhere or "do anything," how she hated it and couldn't wait for it to be over so she wouldn't be so "bored" anymore. Well, as a messianic believer, these words truly stuck with me because I will raise my children to observe the Sabbath as well, and I truly hope their experience is much different than this young woman expressed. On another occasion, while working in a Judaica store, I had a discussion with the owner also about Shabbat (and Holy Day)-keeping in a Jewish home. He wisely noted that in homes where the Shabbat and Holy Days were about fun and time with family, the children usually grow up to carry on those traditions. However, if they are about rules and obligation, then the children might not continue the traditions. What these two stories have in common is that Shabbat celebrations are lacking if there is no JOY in the home that is celebrating. In fact, we are commanded and urged to "delight in the Shabbat" (Isaiah 58:13-14 for instance). As I wrote in an earlier post, Shabbat should be a day that is joyously anticipated, not dreaded. Spend time with family, sing special songs, do special activities, read together, etc. Shabbat should not be a 'boring' day for children, and it shouldn't be boring for us adults either (although I am guilty of feeling this way at times).

The key word here, especially in regards to children, is special. Children, even as young as mine, can ascertain that Shabbat is special if we talk about it that way and make it feel that way for them. Elisheva knows it's a special time when I bring out her "Shabbat Treasure Box" (which is literally a decorated cardboard box, but I plan on upgrading it soon) on Friday afternoons and then put it away on Saturday night. As of right now, her Shabbat box contains her wooden kid-friendly Shabbat set which she loves, one of Abba's handkerchiefs which she puts on her head as she "blesses the candles," her "First Shabbat Board Book," which she knows is special, and she will bring it us at least five times each Shabbat to read it to her or she will look at the pictures several times by herself while it is out during Shabbat, and a few little toys (and sometimes I will place a new one in as a Shabbat gift). Her little face never fails to light up when she sees me placing that box within her reach. As she grows, the Shabbat Box will grow and its contents will change, but it's a tradition that I will continue. I anticipate having some kind of special game (my husband and I love Bible trivia games, so perhaps we'll put one in for us!) that teaches Scripture or Biblical values. We could also have special Shabbat crafts. First Fruits of Zion (ffoz.org) has a Children's Torah Club package that includes coloring pages and lessons for every parashah, which is great. There are websites with Shabbat lessons for children as well. The possibilities are endless really, and as Elisheva gets older, I'm confident that she will have her own creative ideas of activities to do in honor of Shabbat, too.

Shabbat is a day for doing good, so if there is a need in the community, children can be taken along to help out as well. Since Shabbat occurred after the creation of the world, it's a great time to go outside for a picnic, some fresh air, exploring the clouds, a nature walk, or a trip to the park to enjoy His creation as much as He did on Shabbat. With Shavuot approaching, I am planning to write more about tzedakah (referring to charity, but it literally means justice), but Shabbat would be as good a time as any to discuss "tzedakah projects" and how children can make a difference by giving of themselves... their time, treasure, and talents.

Shabbat, as a day filled with rest (physical, spiritual, emotional), creative learning, and good deeds (and not with sports, television, shopping, video games, etc.), would certainly give a child (and family) much to look forward to. By all means, don't hire a babysitter, attempt to tie a kid to a chair, force them to take a nap, or stifle their creativity or energy in the guise of "keeping Shabbat." The L-rd of Shabbat is the One who gave them that energy and creativity, and remember that the Shabbat was made for man, and not man for Shabbat. (Mark 2:27) Shabbat should be a delight, especially for children. Of course, they will no doubt at times exert their wills and choose to fill the Shabbat with what they want to do, but because Shabbat is a day like no other, we parents have to enforce special boundaries as well, like not allowing them to watch television or play video games all day, and deciding whether or not they should participate in a sport that has practice on Shabbat, etc.

Whether it's singing songs as a family, reading a special book, or allowing them to eat popcorn, they will come to understand that Shabbat is a special day, not because it's special to them (like a birthday), but because it's special to G-d. It's never too early (or too late) to begin teaching them about Shabbat. We must try our best to make them understand that, while Shabbat benefits us tremendously, it is not about us. It's a day to rest and enjoy G-d's presence and rejoice with Him for His beautiful creation. May your Shabbat... with children... be blessed!

*moms, feel free to post comments/ideas on how you keep Shabbat with kids too!

how this all started- part two

2010-04-15T20:02:00.000-04:00

I have to admit... I really wish I had written this post a long time ago, like about 5 or 6 years ago, because that is when my journey towards a messianic lifestyle began. In being asked recently for details of what it was like making the transition out of a church and into a messianic congregation and everything that goes along with that, I realized that I have somewhat forgotten many of the details of that transition... the confusion, the emotions, the questions, the answers... I will try my best to re-capture the journey...

I had been a believer for a few short months, gracing the First Baptist Church of WPB with my presence almost every time the doors were open... Tuesday night visitations, Wednesday night Bible studies, Saturday night and Sunday morning services and studies. G-d had so radically changed my life that I was convinced that there was no better place for me to me than at church... studying His word, fellowshipping with His people, and preparing to change other people's lives by learning how to evangelize... I was a newly created sponge, and needed to soak everything up that I possibly could. It was during this intense period when I began attending the Saturday night Bible study, "Jewish Roots of the Christian Faith." It would be through the teachers of that class that my calling would become as clear as day.

I cannot recall the details of what I learned in that class, but I just remember that it made perfect sense to me. I've always thought of myself as a fairly reasonable and logical person (although very emotional as well), so as soon as I heard that Jewish Rabbi teaching from the New Covenant (a Jewish book), some of the puzzles pieces I had acquired in my new-found faith began to come together with amazing clarity. Studying a Jewish Bible through the eyes and wisdom of Jewish teachers (one from New York, one from Alabama. And, by the way, I was born in Alabama, so the initial shock of that accent wore off before too long!) felt more natural and fulfilling than a combination of all of the church Bible studies I had been a part of. It just made sense to me that we should study the Scriptures from a Hebraic perspective, because that's the way they were written!

Taking a step back, I have a memory involving the first time that I heard there were Jewish people that believed that Yeshua (Jesus) was the Messiah. I don't remember who told me or why, but my heart seemed to skip a beat... something happened inside me... Perhaps you have had a similar experience with G-d trying to lead you in a certain direction, or in this case, I think G-d was showing me "my calling" with regards to the ministry that I would be involved in. In my case, ironically enough, there was a family history of anti-semitism that I had even been involved in during my rebellious teenage years. Nevertheless, I had been immersing myself in the Scriptures, especially the New Covenant I'm sure, because those were probably what most of my Bible studies were delving into. So I had a new picture of Jewish people in my mind... Yeshua, His disciples, most of the people He dealt with, most of the people even mentioned in the New Covenant... all Jews... and most of them believed that Yeshua was the Messiah. So whatever went on inside my heart when I first realized that was a mixture of disbelief that they believed and pure excitement that there were still Jewish people who believed... Three summers and three trips to Israel later, I understood just how badly I desired Jewish people to believe in Yeshua, and how much joy I could experience in witnessing their belief (or even honest curiosity).

Growing up in South Florida, I never realized that I was so close to so many Jewish people. My neighbors, the three girls that I played with for years, were Jewish, but it didn't mean anything at the time because they didn't practice any semblance of Judaism. (Through G-d's providence, I had the opportunity to actually work with their parents years down the road and share my messianic faith with them.) Unfortunately, all I ever heard about Jewish people were derogatory statements and stereotypes... but what a sense of humor our L-rd has... putting this redneck girl from Alabama, (with a neo-Nazi, skinhead brother) who herself had gotten into trouble in high school for drawing swastikas on the walls of the girl's locker room, into a ministry that is centered around sharing the gospel with Jewish people! I don't share this prior information often (probably because I wish the "racism stuff" wasn't true), but I am grateful to share that things have changed drastically in my life, my family, my brother... a brother who has since attended my messianic Jewish wedding and given me an old clock with a rabbi on it and Hebrew prayer books (gifts that I cherish) because he knows and respects what I believe... and for me, that is pretty incredible progress!!

My transition from being a new "baptist" to attending a messianic congregation full-time was a gradual one, probably lasting a year or so. Many of my Christian friends and acquaintances did not understand why I was leaving the church, but one did. It was the sweet, older (than me) lady that I assisted in leading the middle school girls' small group. She knew my testimony, my stories from Israel trips, and my heart better than anyone else at that time... and she never discouraged me from doing what G-d had called me to do. She was not "shocked" by the news of my departure, but rather she was understanding and even excited for me. Hopefully, if you've gone through the experience of leaving a church, you've had that one person who gives you their blessing... and allows you to go.

While attending the messianic congregation (http://www.bethsarshalomflorida.com/) and a Christian college simultaneously (fun and challenging!), I also had a part-time job at a high-end (meaning expensive) Judaica store. I'll never forget the first time I saw their help wanted sign in the window, the look on my roommate's face as she told me that I had to apply, the first time I met the owners (and their dogs who came to work with them), being greeted by one of the pushiest and most intense people that I have ever met, the interview with the manager who was convinced that I knew more about Judaism than she did (and at this point in my life, I didn't know that much... and still don't!), and the several years that I spent working there (in two cities)... earning a degree in Biblical Studies and also studying Torah and Judaism as I went. All of my co-workers (all born into Jewish families) learned who I was and what I believed, and I had a chance to intimately share my testimony with several of them. Many of them attended my "bat mitzvah" ceremony at the age of 24, which I had really decided to do for two reasons: first, so that I could invite my co-workers to my congregation, not so that they could come and listen to me struggle through the Hebrew reading (two of them were fluent in Hebrew, so I felt a lot of pressure!), but so that they could visit a messianic congregation for the first time and could see a community that believes in Yeshua and follows the Torah... and second, so that I could inspire others to take this step within the congregation and also to pave the way and do something that I plan on my children doing (hopefully before they're 24!), because it really was a beautiful ceremony. These co-workers were also at my bridal shower, my wedding, and Elisheva's baby shower. We are still in touch to this day (and perhaps they'll read this post). That's one of the things that discourages people who work in Jewish ministry... it takes YEARS sometimes for people to even give you an audience to explain what you believe, and as your relationship develops, perhaps they will ask questions or surprise you with interest in your faith. It can be a very slow progression, or what seems like no progression... Still, I'm a big advocate for friendship-relationship evangelism, especially in Jewish ministry. The rewards by far outweigh the years of waiting and praying!

The passing of these intense years has been what made me into who I am today, and I have a long way yet to go! Everything from my vocabulary to the way I dress has changed, and continues to change. My location in ministry has changed... from the somewhat more laid-back, definitely more elderly population of South Florida to the vibrant and busy streets of Brooklyn, and I'm still working on getting my feet wet in ministry here. It has been a big transition, but an exciting one! And so that brings me to where I am today, a 28-year old messianic wife and mother. I'm not sure that I have articulated this as well as I had wanted, but please feel free to ask me any questions that I have failed to answer. I'm very grateful that anyone other than my husband and myself read these posts at all, and am sometimes in awe that anyone does read them!! Thank you for reading, and we are always appreciative of your prayers and encouragement!

getting the leaven out: THE MIND/keep it simple, stupid

2010-04-03T22:58:00.001-04:00

Note: This post is part of a series.

In thinking about dealing with issues of the mind two nights ago, the one conclusion that I was able to come to was to keep it simple. In all of the preparations for Pesach, the reading and researching, exploring others' blogs and having conversations to discover how they view and live a "messianic" life, searching my own mind to try to understand how I view and live a "messianic" life..... it seems to have gotten too complicated. So this is my attempt to simplify (at least for now...) what I have been processing in my mind.

I have come to accept the fact that perhaps there are not a huge amount of messianic believers like myself and my husband, who strive to find the balance of living for Yeshua, keeping Torah as He did, and respecting and embracing those Jewish traditions that neither contradict the Scriptures nor compromise our testimony. There are "messianic believers" from all different walks of life, different levels of Torah observance or non-observance, different cultures, different nuances.... from those who attend churches and have little regard for anything "Jewish" to those who have gone so far in their rabbinical observances of Torah that they end up converting to Judaism and renouncing their faith in Yeshua. We are somewhere in the middle of that wide, wide spectrum labeled "messianic" because we choose to follow the Messiah and His teachings. We may not always find those who walk, talk, or dress like we do... we are who we are, and we rejoice in the fact that G-d created us the way that He did... from non-Jewish (non-Hebrew) families, brought together on similar journeys for a similar purpose in ministry and similar lifestyle.

Nevertheless, living a messianic life is pretty simple. In essence, we need to simply strive and live like Yeshua lived in the first century... in the twenty-first century... which isn't always easy, but it is always simple. Love G-d, Love His Torah, Love His people... and show others how to do the same... simple, right?

During this Passover season, we celebrate and remember our freedom from bondage... from oppression... from sin... but sometimes we forget to set our minds free once again. I am reminded of what Rabbi Shaul wrote in Romans 12:2 ... "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of G-d is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Sometimes our minds become so cluttered and convoluted with everyday life, concerns, and worldliness that we become unable to think clearly about G-d, His Word, and His will for our lives. So what better time could there be to renew our minds than during this season of renewal? The trees are beginning to bloom and blossom, the birds are singing happily, and the winter is turning to spring... let us also follow nature's pattern, changing what needs to be changed, resurrecting what needs to be resurrected, and renewing what needs to be renewed, namely our minds.

"The conclusion, when all has been heard, is fear G-d and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person"

Ecclesiastes 12:13

getting the leaven out: THE HEART/the leaven is out, but is it out?

2010-04-01T21:56:00.003-04:00

Note: This post is part of a series. Please scroll down for other posts and introduction.

"Any leaven that may still be in the house, which I have not seen or have not removed, shall be as if it does not exist, and as the dust of the earth"... from the Haggadah

"It is a positive commandment of the Torah to remove the leaven before the time when it is forbidden to eat it, as it is said: 'the first day ye shall put away leaven out of your houses' (Exodus 12:15)... What is this removal of which the Torah speaks? It is that one should annul the leaven in his heart and consider it as dust; and he should take to heart that there is no leaven at all in his possession and that all the leaven in his possession is as dust, and as something of which there is no need whatsoever..." -Moses ben Maimon

Now in the middle of the Feast of Unleavened Bread, I am nearing the end of this series of posts. As we consider the words above, if we have indeed thoroughly cleansed our homes and neglected to cleanse our hearts in preparation for Passover, we have prepared in vain. Fortunately, it is never too late nor too time-consuming to cleanse your heart before a loving G-d. This Passover season, as we remember and celebrate our own redemption from slavery and bondage to sin, let us also use this ever-appropriate time to get our hearts right with the Master who granted us our freedom. Although we are saints who still sin, He is always waiting, willing, and able to forgive us for our sins. Take some time over these remaining days of this Feast to confess, and ask for forgiveness for, your transgressions... and I plan to do the same.

Here are some Scriptural verses on the benefits of confession of sin: Proverbs 28:13, Psalm 32:3,5, Isaiah 1:18, Psalm 103:12, 2 Chronicles 30:9, 1 John 1:6-7, Romans 8:1, and Hebrews 10:19, 22.

For those of us who celebrating Passover, eating unleavened bread (matzah) and have tasted the bitterness of the herbs (horseradish) on the seder plate, these are excellent physical representations of the heart of Pesach for believers. Our Messiah, our Passover Lamb, died because of our sins, so sometimes remembering that can truly give us the strength we need to continue striving with a sinful nature and living for Him in a sinful world. While recalling our past sins and confessing our current ones, our gratitude to G-d for His deliverance is multiplied. As Philo of Alexandria wrote so many years ago, "and so, we who desire repentance eat the unleavened bread with bitter herbs, that is, we first eat bitterness over our old and unendurable life, and then [we eat] the opposite of overboastful arrogance through meditation on humility, which is called reverence. For the memory of former sins causes fear, and by restraining it through recollection brings no little profit to the mind..."

With that said, I wish you a bitter and sweet... solemn and joyous... tearful and freeing... Feast of Unleavened Bread! Let's celebrate our beautiful redemption and our wonderful Savior! Chag Sameach!

getting the leaven out: OUTSIDE THE WALLS/watching the sidewalk...

2010-03-10T21:29:00.001-05:00

Note: This post is part of a series. Please scroll down to read other posts and introduction.

Moving from a 'drive-everywhere' city to a 'walk-or-take-public-transportation-everywhere' city has taken some getting used to, but the weather was so beautiful today (high of 60 degrees) that I did a lot of walking and loved it! Since I have been walking much more than I'm used to, I have also noticed how New Yorkers tend to "watch the sidewalk" as they pass you, avoiding eye contact for the most part, and rarely giving any kind of acknowledgment or greeting at all. (Although I will say that a few people have acknowledged my daughter, Elli, especially when she is toddling down the sidewalk!) I strive to not conform to this cultural norm, even while living in Brooklyn, but it's difficult. Sometimes it's easier to just look down, rather than look into the eyes of the person you're passing, especially when you know from experience that they will most likely pass you in silence no matter what. Granted, there are a lot of "abnormal" people who flock to bustling cities, so people who live there tend to be a little more cautious or even suspicious of strangers, but I still believe that G-d provokes us and even commands us to reach out to others (even in New York).

Although Palm Beach County is home to a very large Jewish community, there are more "visibly" Jewish (religious) people here in Brooklyn, which is great because it means that my husband and I have more visual reminders as to why we are here and the ministry that we have been called to. Today, for instance, as a Chassidic Jew ran (literally) into the post office to drop off a package while I was waiting in line, I was again reminded of my ministry. Above all joys and aspirations I have as a writer, a mother, a wife... none would even compare to witnessing a Jewish person come to faith in his or her Messiah, Yeshua, and if that Jewish person is "religious" my joy would be multiplied even more!! Witnessing this miracle often happens far too few times for those of us involved in Jewish ministry. However, even if you are not involved with a ministry organization, we are all called to be emissaries for Yeshua... to be His hands and feet, to shine His light. But how can we do this if we conform to watching the sidewalk?

With Passover fast approaching, remember that we are preparing our homes for a Feast of the L-rd. If He is at the center of this celebration, I know He will share with us what it is that we must do. Who does He want you to invite to the Passover seder? What does He want you to share with them? How will it bring Him the most glory? If we clean our homes until they sparkle and shine, what ultimate good will it do if we only invite those who already live there?

During this season of renewal, rebirth, and redemption, let us make Yeshua known to all who will listen, especially His chosen people, the lost sheep of the House of Israel. There's no better time than now, and no better season than Passover, the time to remember Yeshua's sacrificial death and the salvation that comes from believing in Him who died in our place. Isaiah 53 is a great place to begin to share the Messiah's story. In case this is new territory for you, here are a few preliminary pointers for sharing Yeshua with a Jewish person:

1. Choose your terminology carefully. I avoid terms like "christian", "church", "Christ", "convert", and "cross" because these all have negative connotations in the Jewish world and are often associated with Catholicism. Also, if you have noticed, I never attempt to write out or pronounce G-d's name (the Tetragrammaton): 1. Because it is Holy and by not pronouncing it, I am attempting to not "take it in vain" as we are commanded. And 2. A religious Jewish person would be offended to see G-d's name used in a common manner, so I choose not to use any of those attempts at pronouncing G-d's name on my blog. (I completely understand, however, the fact that religious Jewish people will still be offended by me naming Yeshua as the Messiah, choosing to live by Torah even though I was not born into a Jewish family, and by proclaiming to Jewish people that they need to believe in Yeshua as well...and I accept that. But I would rather not offend them concerning the Holy Name of G-d, so I will continue to use "G-d", "L-rd", "HaShem", and sometimes "Adonai" to refer to Him. For more about using G-d's name, read this article: http://www.torahresource.com/EnglishArticles/Sacred%20Name%20parts%201-3.pdf)

2. Show them the Messiah using the Tanach (Hebrew Bible). (He's there!! ) He's in all the Feasts of Leviticus 23, and He's in all of the 39 books! I found this list helpful for presenting G-d's plan and man's need for redemption, taken from the booklet, "How to Introduce Your Jewish Friends to the Messiah":

---1. "G-d loves man and desires that all men should experience a life filled with His blessings: Deuteronomy 6:3, Psalm 16:11, Psalm 36:7-10, Isaiah 41:10

---2. Man is separated from G-d by sin: he is a sinner by nature and by will: Job 15:14-16, Psalm 53: 2-4, Psalm 130:3-4, Psalm 143:2, Ecclesiastes 7:20, Isaiah 64:6, Jeremiah 17:9

---3. The result of sin and separation from G-d is spiritual death: Isaiah 59: 2-3, Jeremiah 31:30, Ezekiel 18:4

---4. Man is unable to find reconciliation with G-d through his own efforts or good deeds: Job 14:4, Psalm 49:7, Proverbs 20:9, Jeremiah 2:22

---5. G-d has provided a way by which reconciliation can be accomplished. Atonement is available through the Messiah as a free gift to all men: Leviticus 17:11, Psalm 49:15, Isaiah 43:11 & 25, Isaiah 53:3-12

---6. The Messiah's atoning death may be appropriated unto salvation by faith in its efficacy: Genesis 15:6, Nahum 1:7, Habakkuk 2:4

---7. Only by repentance of sin and acceptance of Yeshua the Messiah as Savior, through prayer by faith, can reconciliation be made with G-d: Psalm 32:1-5, Proverbs 28:13" (pp.37-38)

3. Study Jewish history and culture and strive to make connections/relationships with Jewish people. They will believe what they see, so show them Torah being lived in your life! Share your testimony and share what Yeshua has done for you. For more testimonies and tips, go to http://www.chosenpeople.org/

Well, I hope this information has been helpful. Let's pray that during this Passover season, many will come to know Yeshua as Messiah! Preparations don't cease once our homes are clean and ready! Many still have not heard that the Passover lamb was sacrificed for them, so let's tell them.

getting the leaven out: BATHROOM: the beauty of separation

2010-03-08T14:10:00.002-05:00

Note: This post is part of a series. Please scroll down for other posts and introduction. Also, this post is NOT intended to be read by men... read at your own risk...

The reason that this subject has fallen under the 'bathroom' label in this series is because it will be about a 'potty talk' subject for women and something that men do not normally like to talk about: menstrual cycles. The reason that I would prefer that men not read it (other than my husband of course) is because I feel that menstruation is something that they should discuss with their own wives or read about it in medical texts.

The heart of this entry will be focused less on the actual menstrual cycle (there are many other places to find that information) and more on what orthodox Judaism calls "family purity" or "the laws of niddah" ...simply stated, abstaining from sex with your husband during your period.

First, let me say that menstruation is a monthly miracle (as hard as that it to believe for us sometimes!) Without it, we are unable to conceive children. Although many would view the laws of "family purity" as archaic or outdated, they really are more a celebration of life and the importance of intimacy within marriage. In Biblical times, a menstruating woman was considered "unclean" and "impure"... and if you really think about it, she was! Before the invention of maxi pads and tampons, what would she use to keep herself clean besides rags or pieces of cloth? That's all there was! So I imagine that she was probably hindered from her usual activities (much more so than modern women) and she had to stay close to home. The label "unclean" didn't mean that she had done something wrong, it simply meant that she was in a state of temporary vulnerability. When the menstrual cycle begins, a woman understands that the possibility for life in her womb at that time has ended, so in essence, there is a whisper of death. The uterus must shed its lining, cleaning itself out for the next opportunity to cradle a child... it is preparing to start over. Quoting again from the book, Jewish Women Speak about Jewish Matters, "when stripped to its essence, a woman's menses signals the death of potential life. Each month a woman's body prepares for the possibility of conception. The uterine lining is built up-- rich and replete, ready to serve as a cradle for life-- in anticipation of a fertilized ovum. Menstruation is the shedding of the lining, the end of this possibility. The presence of potential life within fills a woman's body with holiness and purity. With the departure of this potential, impurity sets in, conferring upon the woman a state of impurity or, even more specifically, niddut. Impurity is neither evil nor dangerous, and it is not something tangible. Impurity is a spiritual state of being, the absence of purity, much as darkness is the absence of light." (p.77)

Impurity is very a hard concept for the modern mind to grasp, because we don't tend to have a very holistic view of how the world and our bodies work. Therefore, science develops birth control pills that manipulate our bodies into having only four periods a year! Obviously, this is not what G-d intended, and I am glad that people cannot stop the cycles of the moon or seasons, because G-d's cycles are meant to teach us about the cycle of life. Even believers have difficulty with this concept, especially since there is no physical Temple standing in Jerusalem. I am not claiming to fully understand it either, but perhaps the impure were restricted from the Temple because they were reminders of death.... menstruating women, diseased or injured people, abnormal or physically "imperfect" people... the only thing that these people would have in common is that they make people ponder death and suffering. The Temple was to be a place of life and worship. Since G-d created the menstrual cycle (and also created some people blind, lame, etc.), these impurities were not punishment for sin.

When a woman of child-bearing age (a.k.a. woman who menstruates) becomes one with a man through marriage, that is when the issue of family purity comes along. There is no physical Temple, so how do we apply this mitzvah (commandment) to our lives? Although I don't believe that menstruating women should be restricted from houses of worship (how embarrassing that would be!), I feel that there is something to be applied here. At the very least, I don't think
G-d intends married women to have sexual intimacy with their husbands when they are menstruating. This is something that my husband and I discussed before we got married, and we do abstain from intercourse during this time of the month. In orthodox Judaism, married couples also wait for seven more days after the end of the menstrual cycle and after the woman has gone through a mikveh (ritual bath for immersion). The mikveh is to show that the woman has become pure again and that her status has changed. Afterwards, she is intimately reunited with her husband. Although I don't have access to a mikveh at this time, I think that this is a beautiful practice, and there are messianic believers who build mikveot for this purpose. Perhaps someday I will also have access to a mikveh, and until then I will apply this mitzvah to my life as much as possible.

If you are new to this concept, perhaps it sounds restrictive. The aforementioned book gives a wonderful perspective that will help us to focus on the benefits (blessings) of applying family purity to our lives: "At first glance, the mikveh system speaks of limitations and constraints-- a loss of freedom. In truth, emancipation is born of restriction. Secure, confident, well-adjusted children (and adults) are disciplined children; they understand restraint and ultimately learn self-control. The drawing of parameters creates terra firma amid chaos and confusion and allows for traversing the plain we call life in a progressive and productive manner. And in no area of life is this more necessary than in our most intimate relationships. Over time, open-ended sexual availability leads to a waning of excitement and even interest. Mikveh's monthly hiatus teaches couples to treasure the time they have together. They count the days until they can be together, and each time there is a new quality to their reunion. In this regard, the Talmud states, "So that she will be as beloved as on the day of her marriage." In this way, they are constantly involved in an ongoing process of becoming 'one flesh.'" (pp.79-80) In other words, family purity not only will prove to be beneficial to marriage if practiced, it can also prove to be detrimental if not put into practice.

Family purity not only benefits the married couple, it benefits us as married women. It offers us a "measure of solitude and introspection. There is additionally, an empowering feeling of autonomy over our bodies, and indeed, over the sexual relationship we share with our spouses... (let me clarify: this 'empowering' should not lead us to try to dominate our husbands or use withholding sex as a weapon for getting them to do what we want. That is not Biblical. It should have more of the effect of raising our self-esteem and causing us to feel good about our bodies, which is always rewarding to our husbands as well)... There is strength and comfort in the knowledge that human beings can neither have their every whim nor be had at whim." (Jewish Women Speak... p. 80)

Because the mitzvot concerning the laws of niddah are Temple-dependent, married couples need to come to an understanding of how they will observe them and to what extent. The important thing is that it is consensual, and both the husband and wife are in full agreement. As messianic believers, we hold Rabbi Sha'ul of Tarsus in high regard and he tells the Corinthians this: "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command." 1 Corinthians 7:3-6

I like to think of my menstruating self as a closed flower, still beautiful to my husband, but temporarily unavailable... until that day that I bloom once again. Let us strive to view menstruation as the miracle that it is (not The Curse, or the unwanted monthly 'visitor"), and seek G-d's face in understanding the importance of cycles and seasons in His creation, including us. During this Passover season, may we rejoice that He has given us a picture of renewal and 'starting over' even in our own bodies. Indeed, we are wonderfully and fearfully made...

getting the leaven out: LIVING ROOM/redeeming the time

2010-03-07T11:55:00.003-05:00

Note: This post is part of a series. Please scroll down for other posts and introduction.

One of my family's biggest obstacles to keeping a clean house is not putting things away after we use them. Instead of taking the few seconds then to put the item away, I end up spending hours on it after things have piled up for a while! This is something I am really trying to work on. I think the reason that I struggle to keep up with organization is my lack of time management. One key culprit that has to be included in this calculation is the biggest time waster ever invented: the television! I have friends who have given up on cable TV and gotten rid of it, which is kind of the direction that I am possibly headed in the near future.

I can't help but remember the days when I was a college student, living with my mom, working part-time, and planning my wedding... there was no time for TV! I never even turned the power switch on. My life was full, busy, and rewarding... which it still is, but somehow I have made time to watch television... too much of it in my opinion. I also remember even earlier days when I imagined what my life would be like when I had children of my own... they would be extremely intelligent and they would not watch TV. My, how things change when your dreams become a reality! I am now grateful for the few minutes that my 16 month old actually spends in front of the television, because then maybe I can use the bathroom alone or wash dishes while she is occupied! However, I remain wholeheartedly against using TV as a babysitter for hours during the day. Any TV that my child does watch should also be educational and age-appropriate. As she gets older, I know there will be many more activities she can do alone as well, and I won't have to use the TV as a "crutch" to keep her engaged in something.

I have really realized the power of turning the television off. Even now as I write this, the window is cracked and I can hear the birds singing outside.... which is an even more precious sound to my ears now that I live in the city. In today's society, silence is something to avoid because then you are forced to deal with yourself, your mind, your heart, your existence... so there is always noise. I am convinced that most New Yorkers have probably never experienced true silence.

As my family decides whether to get rid of cable altogether or at least put serious limits on how much and what we watch on TV, we will enjoy the joyous sounds of our daughter, meaningful conversations, and silence (or as close as we get to it). Preparing for Passover takes a lot of time, and so it is a very appropriate season to improve our time management. We are all given the same number of hours each day, so we are responsible for how we choose to spend those hours. Let's redeem our time.

"So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom..."

Psalm 90:12

getting the leaven out: BEDROOM/shomer negiah

2010-03-02T13:15:00.001-05:00

Note: this post in part of a series. Please scroll down for other posts and introduction.

"Imagine yourself at a checkout counter. You have never liked shopping at this store because of its less-than-wonderful service. Today is no exception-- you have been waiting to pay for what seems like an eternity. Finally your turn comes. You hand the slow-moving cashier your money. Usually you have to pick up your change off the counter, but today the cashier places it in your hand, and for a brief moment you can feel the warmth of his or her hand on yours. Outside, afterward, you sense something strange. For some reason, you're feeling more warmly toward this store than before. .."

The above quote was taken from "Jewish Women Speak About Jewish Matters," a composition of short articles by Jewish (but not messianic) women. This essay was about the power of touch, the topic of this post. Although there is no direct correlation between this subject and Passover, this series will be concerning topics that I have been pondering in my preparations for this Feast of renewal.

In Judaism, to be cautious with this powerful form of affection is known as "Shomer Negiah," or "guardian of touching." As the book states, "this strikes some people as extreme. But the truth is that for anyone who's serious about getting the most out of a relationship-- and avoiding the pain of failed ones-- being shomer negiah makes eminent sense" for the fact that the power of human touch "can be harnessed constructively or destructively. Touch can be used to comfort-- or to manipulate... and can create illusory feelings of intimacy and make you feel close to a person even when you are not really so close after all, creating many serious problems." (pp.60-61)

The best metaphor to use concerning the power of touch that I have found is electricity. I came to this understanding on an El Al plane returning from one of my trips to Israel. If you've ever made this flight, you know that the plane is scattered with orthodox Jewish people. The men will often make their way to the back of the plane during prayer times, and it is an incredible experience to be a part of. Something that I had been pondering while in Israel was (what I thought to be) a lack of affection between orthodox Jewish couples. Now I understand it much more. On that plane, I begin to think that if the couple in front of me did happen to touch, even unknowingly, I would see sparks fly or something! why? Because this couple did not treat touch as something common or to be shared with just anyone, anywhere, at anytime. To them, touch was sacred. There's an electricity that exists between husband and wife, whether they choose to make sparks fly in public or not. Honestly, most people are uncomfortable in the presence of a couple that shows too much affection in public, right? Well, that day I decided that my husband and I (I was yet to be married at this point) would be shomer negiah, guardians of touch. This can be applied to your life, whether you are married or single.

During our courtship, my husband and I did not kiss, but we did hold hands and hug one another (but if I could go back, perhaps I would change that). There is appropriate touch for an engaged couple. In fact, during our pre-marital coaching, we learned that affirmation is very important for a man, while affection is very important for a woman. While meaningful, non-sexual touch is one way to show affection, there are many other ways as well. This is why in orthodox Judaism, married men and women do not even touch each other during the woman's menstrual cycle (and the seven days following it. I will be writing more about this later). They do this not only so that there is less temptation for sexual contact, but also to learn how to communicate and show affection to one another without touching. They also do not touch people of the opposite sex who are not their spouse or relatives. I think we have much to learn from this principle.

Since I have become a married woman, shomer negiah has become much more important to me. In applying it to my own life, I rarely hug men other than my husband or my relatives. If a man (who is a dear friend of course) approaches me to hug, I don't deny him but i don't get close to him either. I also don't offer my hand to a man to shake, but if he holds out his hand, then I will shake it. Of course, I take into account that there are many cultures who are more openly affectionate than others, and I have never rejected a hug or kiss on the cheek from them, and it's not a huge deal for me in those cases. I am just mindful (cautious) of who, why, and how I am touching, because my body belongs to G-d first and my husband second. Without being rude or making people uncomfortable, I feel that being shomer negiah is healthy... for single people and married couples. Why? Because it is a meaningful way to show G-d that we respect and revere this powerful force that he created, touch. It also shows our spouse (or future spouse) that we honor them enough to preserve even our sense of touch for them and them only. Think about it: the fact that we cannot touch G-d proves that other (perhaps deeper, soul connecting) ways exist to show affection. Let's search our own hearts to learn what those ways are so that we can extend them to those who are made in His image.

getting the leaven out one room at a time... KITCHEN/the mitzvah of moderation

2010-03-01T20:16:00.000-05:00

The kitchen seems like an appropriate place to begin because even though I just successfully finished washing (all of) the dirty dishes and wiping up the splattered stove and counter top, my kitchen is still basically a disgrace to housewives everywhere! It's small, cluttered with mail and recipes (and who knows what else), and the floor is always dirty even a few minutes after I mop it. But as Brooklyn apartments go, my kitchen is big and in good working condition, and for this I am grateful. (By the way, the kitchen to your left is NOT my kitchen.)

In preparing for Passover, the kitchen is probably the room in which most of the hard work has to be done. It's time to start going through the pantry, searching the labels for yeast and leavening agents, using up those items as soon as possible, etc. Last year around this time, I was asking my Rabbi (in FL) Ben, what exactly I had to 'throw out,' and he took the time to graciously explain to me that I needed to be careful not to miss the point of the Biblical commands concerning removing the leaven from your homes. While it is perfectly okay to physically get rid of the leaven in our homes, we also have to understand that in the Scriptures, leaven represents sin. What Passover is essentially about is starting anew, (the women who saved a portion of the leaven from their challah bread to make next week's challah rise would throw it away and start over after Passover) and purging the sin (leaven) from our lives. As a physical picture of this spiritual renewal, we are also commanded to abstain from eating leaven during the Feast of Unleavened Bread as well. (I will try to write more later about why believers should celebrate Passover and how it is celebrated.)

As I explained in my introduction, this series is less about cleaning our houses (although important) and more about renewing our hearts and lifestyles, so this above paragraph is most likely all I will mention about removing physical leaven. As the title suggests, the heart of this post is moderation, specifically moderation in eating. Perfectly timed, I received my March issue of Parenting magazine only to find an article that began like this: Raise your hand if you've ever been asked, "So, when are you due?"... after you've given birth (like, way after).

(read the article by going to: http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Health--Fitness/8-Flat-Belly-Foods) and just a few weeks earlier a dear man (at least he was in his 70s!) asked me if I was expecting another baby, and I had to say 'no' and we were both slightly embarrassed. It's been over 15 months since I delivered my daughter, over a month of her being weaned from breastfeeding, and I am all out of excuses for being unable to control my appetite! I believe the statement that "diets don't work," but I think that changes in lifestyle certainly do! So as I prepare for Passover, there are items that needs to be removed from the "kitchen" of my heart and many others in need of moderation.

Upon first arriving in Brooklyn and admiring my new kitchen, I was initially comforted by the fact that I was utilizing someone else's kitchen. I thought to myself, "I will have to keep it tidy and take good care of it because it's not mine. If the landlord ever stops by, his kitchen will be clean!" It was like built-in accountability, but regardless, there have many times when I didn't feel like washing the dishes (I thought it was difficult to keep up when I actually had a dishwasher), or sweeping the floor, because it was easier to just leave the mess until tomorrow... or the next day. Unfortunately, sometimes this is how we treat our own bodies, which do not belong to us either. Our bodies are the temple of the Spirit of the Living G-d, and should be treated as such. Therefore, there are really no excuses for not trying to eat healthy or get some kind of regular exercise. I am well aware that this journey will be a long one for me, but I hope to be sharing stories of success in the future. During this season of renewal, it's a wonderful time to begin taking better care of our bodies... to better worship the Spirit that dwells within...

getting the leaven out... one room at a time: INTRODUCTION TO THE SERIES

2010-02-28T20:36:00.004-05:00

This year my Passover preparations must be completed early, as I am planning to travel and be away from home for the two weeks prior to the beginning of Pesach. In hopes of completing this task, I will be writing a series on "getting the leaven out... one room at a time" that will touch slightly on the physical removal of leaven from our homes, but much more so on the spiritual and lifestyle applications that have come to my mind during the past few days. You can go to any Jewish or messianic website and probably find oodles of information on preparing your home for Passover, "Spring" cleaning, recipes for using up the leaven in your pantry, etc. That's not what I will be primarily focusing on here, however, because if we fail to prepare our spiritual home, the heart, for Pesach, then all of our preparations have been in vain... so join me as I get my hands dirty in preparing the rooms of my heart for this very special feast of the L-rd...

my new neighborhood- brooklyn

2010-02-28T19:23:00.005-05:00

praying for warmth, relationships, and ministry

for such a time as this...

2010-02-25T11:37:00.009-05:00

In a couple days, my family and I will be celebrating the Biblical feast of Purim (its origins are in the Book of Esther). We are looking forward to reading the story of Queen Esther once again, eating hamantashen, giving gifts to the children, and dressing up our little girl in her 'princess' costume... among other things. Although Purim is known for being lots of fun and a time to dress up and act silly, it is also a time when we recall G-d's miraculous protection over His people and their deliverance from the hands of the Persians.

For me, Purim will always have a special place in my heart. It was in a Purim play where I played the part of Queen Esther and first held hands with King Achashverosh, the man who would become my husband just two years later (our wedding ceremony was during Purim, also!). So when Purim comes around, we know our anniversary is not far behind. Therefore, we cannot only remember G-d's miracles in Persia, but also how He worked miracles in our lives and brought us together.

I hope your celebration of Purim is also meaningful and fun! Let us rejoice in

G-d's miraculous protection and deliverance. Hag Sameach! Happy Purim!!

the guest- part two

2010-02-23T11:39:00.002-05:00

In my first post of this series, I wrote about thinking about Shabbat in terms of having a special guest come to visit your home. (If you haven't already, you may want to read that post before moving on to this one.) I have been thinking a lot lately about how to celebrate Shabbat, and I am certain that this will be a continual learning process for the rest of my spiritual life ... until I sit down to the Shabbat table with my Rabbi Yeshua.

I am often confounded by the fact that the Scriptures have so little to say about how to celebrate something so dear to the heart of G-d, the weekly Shabbat (Sabbath). How do I know that it is dear to the heart of G-d? Well, I don't think it is a mere coincidence that, in so many individuals lives that are coming to a messianic understanding and lifestyle, one of the first areas of conviction concerns keeping the Shabbat. I have countless stories of this happening, and it happened to me as well. Furthermore, the Scriptures attest to the importance of keeping Shabbat, especially in the life of a non-Hebrew.

My favorite example is seen in Isaiah 56:1-7, which states: "Thus says the L-RD: "Keep justice, and do righteousness, For My salvation [is] about to come, and My righteousness to be revealed. Blessed [is] the man [who] does this, And the son of man [who] lays hold on it; Who keeps from defiling the Sabbath, And keeps his hand from doing any evil. Do not let the son of the foreigner who has joined himself to the L-RD speak, saying, "The L-RD has utterly separated me from His people"; Nor let the eunuch say, "Here I am, a dry tree". For thus says the L-RD: "To the eunuchs who keep My Sabbaths, And choose what pleases Me, And hold fast My covenant, Even to them I will give in My house And within My walls a place and a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off. Also the sons of the foreigner who join themselves to the L-RD, to serve Him, And to love the name of the

L-RD, to be His servants-- Everyone who keeps from defiling the Sabbath, And holds fast My covenant-- Even them I will bring to My holy mountain, And make them joyful in My house of prayer. Their burnt offerings and their sacrifices [will be] accepted on My altar; For My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations." This is a beautiful exhortation to those of us who are messianic believers, but are not Hebrew by birth, to keep the Shabbat, His Shabbat.

I was deeply touched and encouraged yesterday by stumbling upon a blog by an 18 year old young woman who is growing in her own messianic lifestyle while living with her non-messianic parents. One of her recent posts (http://www.asetapartlife.blogspot.com/) was about her efforts to keep the Shabbat. I am very grateful to now be the woman of my own house, married to a godly man, mother to a beautiful little girl, and daughter to a mother who lovingly accepts and embraces my messianic, Shabbat-keeping lifestyle (and even my husband's family understands that there are things we don't do on Shabbat). Hearing of another's struggle only reminds me of how blessed I am, and I am confident that this faithful young woman will one day become the queen of her own house as well.

Concerning how to keep Shabbat, I will be referencing Scriptural verses and also commenting on how they may be applied in [brackets], trusting that you will prayerfully have to come to your own conclusions, keeping in mind that G-d's Word is authoritative above everything else that I write here. The ministry called "First Fruits of Zion" has published a helpful booklet on 'Guarding Shabbat'. In it are listed "The 10 Commandments of Shabbat" and I will be quoting them:

1. Remember and observe Shabbat. (Exodus 20:8, 31:13, Deuteronomy 5:12) [using the traditional way of bringing in the Shabbat using candlelight, wine or grape juice, and challah bread is a beautiful way to welcome Shabbat and set it apart as holy.]

2. Remember that you were a slave in Egypt. (Deuteronomy 5:15) [read and re-read the story of Israel's slavery in Egypt (and tell it to your children), which will only make us more grateful to be free in Yeshua to enjoy His Shabbat]

3. Gather together for a holy convocation. (Leviticus 23:3) [whether that means walking or driving to a local congregation (or not-so-local), gathering in a home, or using the internet, Shabbat was not meant to be 24 hours spent all alone]

4. Call Shabbat a delight and honorable. (Isaiah 58:13-14) [Shabbat should be a day that is joyously anticipated, not dreaded. Spend time with family, sing special songs, do special activities, read together, etc. Shabbat should not be a 'boring' day for children, and I plan to write more in a separate entry about celebrating Shabbat with children]

5. Do not pursue your own desires on Shabbat. (Exodus 20:9-10) [Although some time on Shabbat should be spent on introspection, I don't think it is a 'me' day to be spent doing hobbies all day or going to the spa! However, I also don't think that Shabbat is a day on which we neglect to bathe or groom ourselves, because if we are congregating with others, these are not selfish acts! Our first focus should be on resting in HaShem and enjoying His presence]

6. Do not work on Shabbat. (Exodus 20: 9-10) [Anything that we get paid to do is work, and in my estimation, anything that stresses us out (besides caring for children of course!), takes our focus away from resting in G-d, or makes Shabbat just another day is also work. I try to refrain from writing blog entries on Shabbat because I hope to publish a book (and get paid for it) one day, but I am guilty of 'writing' in my mind when I am supposed to be taking my Shabbat nap! Also, I refrain from intensive cleaning (definitely work, and even the servants got to rest on Shabbat)... notice I said intensive cleaning, because sometimes we have to do some clean-up on Shabbat, especially when there are little ones around. I rarely wash dishes on Shabbat, because Shabbat should be about not doing those things that we do every other day of the week.

7. Do not cook on Shabbat. (Exodus 16:23) [Well, I am certainly guilty of breaking this one! I try to prepare extra food on Fridays, or we eat leftovers on Shabbat. I am working on being more diligent to prepare special meals ahead of time to enjoy on Shabbat.]

8. Do not kindle a fire on Shabbat. (Exodus 35:3) [In many ways, I am still uncertain of how to apply this mitzvah. It has a lot to do with the previous command to not cook, but I do not believe that it restricts us from turning on light switches or starting a car]

9. Do not participate in commerce on Shabbat. (Nehemiah 10:31; Jeremiah 17:21-22) [My family and I keep this command by not shopping or going out to eat on Shabbat, and striving not to buy anything on Shabbat, unless of course, it's inevitable. Two Erev Shabbats ago, however, we had to purchase a Metro card to ride the subway in order to get to a Shabbat gathering at someone's house, so we made the purchase. Also, if something is needed for the baby or for our health's sake, we feel it is permissible to buy it.]

10. Do good on Shabbat. (Matthew 12:12) [So many ways to apply this! If someone needs help, help them! If someone needs you, be there for them! Don't use Shabbat observance as an excuse to be reclusive or unavailable. Remember that Shabbat was made for us, and not the other way around.]

Learning to observe and guard Shabbat is a process, and I am still learning myself. By putting Scripture first and allowing the Spirit of G-d to speak to us about the importance of this special day, we can begin this process. I feel the most important aspect of keeping Shabbat is regarding it as holy, set apart.... different. Do whatever it takes in your life to make it different from all the other days, because G-d intended it to be that way. Just as He intends us to be holy, set apart.... different.

real SCRAPbooking

2010-02-18T11:44:00.005-05:00

I firmly believe that G-d is interested in every aspect of our lives.... how we raise our children, spend our time, spend our money, etc. Frugality has been important to me for years, but now that I am living in one of the most expensive states in the country, my family has one income and a child, it has become that much more important! In moving into this Brooklyn apartment, we are spending as little as possible to settle in, which actually works out well because we have no extra storage space like we were used to, and we are prodded to utilize everything we brought with us in creative ways in order to gain more space and reduce clutter.

You've heard the saying, "Necessity is the mother of invention." Well, it's true! Because I am unable to just go out and buy everything that I think we need (shopping is not even easy here, and we shop in New Jersey to save money), I have become more creative in making things (like my daughter's diaper-box-bookcase wrapped in leftover wall border), keeping my toddler occupied (this morning she played with a plastic 'sandbox' full of dry oats from the pantry), and making memories (real SCRAPbooking!)

I have always enjoyed the idea of scrapbooking, but never really followed through with creating actual scrapbooks. Let's be honest, the hobby known as 'scrapbooking' today has become a million dollar industry, and when you go to the scrapbooking section of your local craft store, there are no scraps to be found! Those papers, embellishments, stickers, and scrapbooks are fancy and expensive! So in the interest of frugality, I have begun to make "real SCRAPbooks" for my family..... using magazine and newspaper clippings, photographs, wrapping paper, greeting cards, and (surprisingly) paper scraps!! It's fun, frugal, forces you to be creative, and it's also a great way to reuse items that you would otherwise either throw out or allow to clutter your home. It will also be great fun for Elisheva when she is older and can help make her own books (right now she just tries to destroy my work!) and preserve memories of special times in her life. For now, I am using blank board books that I ordered from Oriental Trading Company with intentions of writing some books for my children. They are pretty durable for toddlers. As she gets older, we will graduate to paper books.

Discovering this form of SCRAPbooking has given me so much joy. It's a great way to preserve family memories and keeps me occupied with something creative to do at home. The SCRAPbooks would make great, meaningful gifts, and they allow me to use all of the 'stuff' that I have saved because I knew that I would be able to use it somehow. I find it funny when people tell me how creative I am, because I am merely working with what I already have to stimulate myself, my daughter, and the mind that G-d has given me (and you). I enjoy sharing the simple ways in which G-d blesses me. Allow Him to bless you with simplicity.... because He loves to remind us that money cannot buy happiness, but He provides us with everything we need to be content in Him.

childish gifts

2010-02-10T12:25:00.008-05:00

"Every good act of giving and every perfect gift is from above..."

Ya'akov (James) 1:17

As I brushed blue paint onto my 15 month old daughter's tiny palm this morning to make a handprint, I realized something very profound. I know that I have read or heard someone mention this before, but it's one thing to hear something from someone else, and a whole other thing for G-d to reveal it to you in the moment and bring you to tears. Having a child of my own has opened up so many more opportunities for those 'teachable moments' that G-d works into daily life.

My daughter is not yet old enough to color me a picture or build me something out of popsicle sticks, but I know that time is coming soon! Nevertheless, I have begun personalizing gifts/cards to others with her handprint, which is the only signature she is capable of right now. I look forward to receiving that first handmade gift from Elisheva, whether it's a few scribbles on a wadded up piece of construction paper or a gluey mess of pasta and cotton balls doesn't matter. Having the pleasure of babysitting and working with little ones, I have seen many children present these "gifts" to their parents, and it is a thrilling experience for them (and their parents are good at pretending it is for them, too!) The parents' usual exclamations are something along the lines of "Wow, you made this for me?" or "This is beautiful!" Not once have I heard a parent say, "Whoa, that is ugly. What is it supposed to be?" or "Is this what I'm paying hundreds of dollars a week for, for you to paste some garbage on a 5 cent piece of paper?" Have you?

The next time your child hands you a wrinkled piece of paper that weighs 2 pounds because it contains half a bottle of the glue that you paid for, tissue paper from your birthday gift, and the tri-color pasta from your pantry, think about this: We offer the same gifts to our G-d. As our heavenly Father, is He a worse parent than any of us? When we come to Him with our dirty, little hands open wide to offer Him something we bought with His money, something we created with His inspiration, something we accomplished with the talent that He gave us, is He going to take one look and say, "That is one ugly piece of junk!"? Certainly not! He will surely treasure it as any parent treasures the artwork and crafts made by their children.

I am certainly grateful to be reminded of this today, and grateful for all the people in my life that G-d has taught me this lesson through, most recently, my little girl. Perhaps you needed to be reminded of this as well. G-d has graciously given us all gifts of time, talent, and treasure. Don't be afraid to offer them back to Him unashamedly and with your whole heart. He won't throw it away or reject it, and there's always room on His refrigerator for one more....

honor him, honor Him

2010-01-21T12:50:00.000-05:00

I was recently asked a couple of important questions by a young man who is engaged to be married in a matter of months. It's amazing what others' questions can accomplish in your own heart and mind. This goes to show that we should all continually be asking questions, not simply for our own benefit, but for the benefit of the one we are asking. Questions have a tendency to stick with us (or with me anyway) and meander around in our heads until they are throughly, honestly, and properly answered. (As a side note, in ministry it is also crucial to ask questions, and there is a good book on the topic called "Questioning Evangelism" by Randy Newman).

The two questions were: "Has your relationship with your husband changed since you had a baby?" and "Does your husband's ministry come first over any career goals you may have?" The answer to both of these was an emphatic "yes," and we touched on both of them in more detail. It turns out that this young man's fiance had been reading "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl, which I have written about on prior occasions, so I passed on my blog information for her to be able to read it. If you are a mother and wife, then you know it would be a very long list if I were to mention all the ways a relationship changes when a little person is introduced into it. So perhaps that will be for a later entry... for now, let it suffice to say, "Baby changes everything." Here, I would like to focus on the second question.

More than ever, this is the perfect time for me to write about my husband's ministry, having just moved across the country from Florida to New York in order for him to pursue his master's degree. Just four or five short months ago, I had no real intentions of actually moving to New York, although it was on our radar screen for some time. According to His divine plan and sense of humor, however, G-d had something different in mind, so He brought us here quickly and earlier than expected. As I sit here, a Floridian in the midst of a Brooklyn winter, I have to smile to myself... Did I really want to move here? Not really. But when my husband gets his Master's Degree, will it be worth it? Absolutely! Now that I am here, settling into this New York lifestyle, I realize it's really not that bad and G-d has given me peace about most of the small (and probably unreasonable) concerns and worries that I was replaying over and over in my mind. Although it is very different than what I am used to and out of my "comfort zone," there are just more important things in life than being comfortable (or warm)! As a married woman, honoring my husband is on that list of more important things.

There is much more to be said about this subject, but I found a couple simple lists of ways to honor our husbands. There is an article (blog devotion) that you can read as well. Find it here:

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2009/06/r-e-s-p-e-c-t-that-is-what-he-needs.html

This list comes from the article:

Tell your husband that you believe in him!• Don't point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.• Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.• Don't ever say "I told you so." • Say "I'm sorry" and mean it when you dishonor him.• Say "I forgive you" and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.• Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).• Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.• Support and encourage his decisions.• Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don't.• Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for - about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something he adds to your family.* Several of these ideas are from What A Husband Needs from His Wife © 2006 by Melanie Chitwood.

And here's another list from another devotion: Taking time to at least brush your hair and put some gloss on your lips before your husband comes home at the end of the day.• Committing to regular exercise and taking care of yourself in order to feel better and look better.• Treating him respectfully and watching both your words and tone to him.• Apologizing when you blow it and humbly seeking his forgiveness.• Investing regular, consistent time into "us" by making the effort to plan date nights and secure a sitter.• Really listening to him when he confides in you, not letting your thoughts wander to a "to-do" list.• Spending time with him without feeling like either of us has to talk all the time.• Respecting the differences in each of us, instead of fighting against them.

These are some simple (but not always easy) ways to begin showing respect to our husbands. I feel that as we become habitually honoring to him (and Him), it becomes easier as the years pass. In March, my husband and I will be celebrating our third anniversary. May my respect for him grow stronger with every year that we spend together. And in honoring him, may I honor Him who brought us together in the first place.

Home-shuling

2010-01-20T11:25:00.009-05:00

Although I would love to take credit for coming up with the word, homeshuling, I cannot. I borrowed it from a Jewish mother's parenting blog, which you can find at http://www.homeshuling.wordpress.com/. In the event that you have no idea what the word shul means, it is another word for synagogue. I think that her use of the word homeshuling rather than homeschooling is brilliant!

As my daughter matures further and further beyond the one year mark, it becomes more of a reality to me how important it is to be her first and probably most influential teacher. As her mother and primary caretaker, it is my responsibility to redeem the hours that I spend with her on a daily basis. For the most part, it will be me who teaches her the alphabet, shapes, colors, numbers, and how to read and write, etc. And because she is with me most often, it will also be me who shapes and builds the foundation of her faith in G-d, Yeshua the Messiah, and her love and obedience to Torah. This is a daunting task indeed, but one which I can honestly say that I am very excited about.

It has always been my dream and desire to homeschool my children, and if the L-rd makes that possible for me to do, it will be great. However, even if they do attend school outside the home, my responsibility as their first teacher still remains the same. As soon as Elisheva can hold a crayon to color, I will be "playing school" with her because learning should be fun and engaging. When I was much younger, I had an opportunity to "play school" and teach a 3-year old girl, and she loved it! She thrived on the structure and the activities. I taught her colors, shapes, how to write her name... we sang songs, did crafts, and colored for hours. This love for teaching young children also led me to become a substitute preschool teacher, probably the most fun and fulfilling (and exhausting) job I have ever had! Now, with a child of my own, the excitement level is even higher, but the stakes are also higher. The other children I have taught (hopefully) went home to learn from their parents as well. Elisheva will already be home. Still, I await with great anticipation the discovery of all that she will learn from her father and I. I'm also confident that it will be enjoyable for all of us, as she seems to have a natural curiosity to know everything and a love for books already. I just pray that my husband and I will continue to take this great responsibility seriously and not for granted.

The Torah commands us to teach the instructions of G-d diligently to our children (Deuteronomy 6:7). Yes, we are required to teach them so many other things as well, even if they have other teachers outside the home, but we cannot neglect to teach them, at every opportunity, the word of G-d and how to apply it to their lives. And to teach it, we must live it in our own lives because children, like most people of all ages, believe what they see, not what we tell them to be true. Unfortunately, the phrase "do as I say, not as I do" has no place in Biblical parenting, although we've probably all heard it (or said it) once or twice in our lives. All teachers may not be parents, but all parents are teachers. As the rabbinical saying goes, "He who knows alef and bet is required to teach he who knows only alef."

With every passing day, I see my daughter learning more and more. With every passing day, I teach my daughter more and more. Her "homeshuling" has already begun, and I pray that my husband and I will able to teach her all that she needs to succeed and grow in this world, and all that she will need to know G-d, please Him, and inherit blessings in the world to come.

Ministry in Ink

2009-12-14T12:27:00.003-05:00

My love for writing was developed over many years of internal and external influences. Some of these influences are my own vivid imagination and talent for observation, a high school English teacher, and the written word of G-d. Throughout my life, poetry has served many different purposes, but to my delight has become something more precious than I had thought possible. Poetry has become more than my own expression of myself, but it has become a form of beneficial ministry to myself and to others.

Growing up in a lower class family, I concluded at an early age that imagination was very important. Lack of external satisfaction and pleasures led to the development of my inner creativity. However, at this point writing took a backseat to Barbie dolls and coloring. Little did I know that the same imagination that had me in my backyard setting a table with leaves and dirt would eventually allow me to express my deepest thoughts on paper. As far as I can recall, reading and writing were never areas of complication for me in school. Reading was worthwhile and writing was enjoyable. Up until the twelfth grade, they were little more than that. However, Mrs. Thompson helped change that. An Honors English teacher dedicated to challenging her students, she continues to stand out in my mind. In her class I developed a new regard for literature and poetry. I learned that I could read, write, and memorize large amounts of material when it was required of me because she expected her students to succeed. More importantly, I realized a personal potential for writing. Her affirmation encouraged me to write more and to strive not for excellence in writing, but effect.

After gaining a genuine love for poetry and writing on the inside, I began to look around for tangible ideas and inspiration. I found these in song lyrics, the poems of others, nature, personal experiences, and in the experiences of those around me. Nevertheless, the most refining influence that my writing has encountered is the Bible. Its writing is beyond comparison. The Psalms of David, the Song of Solomon, the letters of Saul: I find great inspiration in these. Above all, I have concluded that G-d is a poet, and He ministers to me through my writing. Recently, I wrote a haiku that sums up my new understanding of the ultimate purpose of my writing: "Words are not my own; Yeshua is a Poet; I just hold the pen." I would never have imagined that G-d would use my works for His ministry.

In conclusion, I don't believe that I was necessarily born a poet. Everyone has a potential to write poetry; one only has to be bold enough to write down the abstract thoughts that occupy a human mind on a daily basis. Outside influences have definitely shaped my writing into what it is and what it will become. Poetry has become the "baring of my soul," and sometimes it can be difficult to share with others. Writing does not always come naturally for me, either. There is joy in the struggle, though, and the finished outcome is worth the struggle, especially when the L-rd uses my writing as ministry in ink...*

*This was a "cause and effect" essay that I wrote for a composition class in 2003.

remembering Joyce...

2009-10-20T14:24:00.007-04:00

Last Thursday, I received one of those phone calls that no one ever wants to experience... one of those phone calls that begins with "I'm calling with really horrible news"... My former co-worker and friend, Joyce, took her own life last week to the shock of everyone who knew her. I had no idea that she was having medical issues, but I understand that she was in pain and most likely found out that she had cancer. That's when she weighed her options, and apparently decided that suicide was her best bet. On Sunday, I attended a beautiful memorial service in her honor. I just wanted to write some about her life and who she was to me.

It is always amazing to hear people speak at a memorial service. I didn't think that I knew Joyce that well because we only worked together for a couple years, but as her close friends and family stood and spoke about her, I realized that many things they said about her rang true to the Joyce that I knew as well.

She had an intense personality (and made no apologies for it either). At first it was intimidating, but then it was just Joyce. She was an "in-your-face" type: 100% outgoing, 100% Brooklyn... (I find it ironic that I will soon be moving to Brooklyn, which is where Joyce was from). It is also ironic that Joyce was completely capable of being private with her own life, but yet she would ask anybody anything at anytime, whether they were a friend or someone who had just walked into the store that we worked in together. She was personal (perhaps too personal at times), but you just had to get used to that coming from her. You came to expect that, at some point or another, she would ask you something that no one else dared to ask...

She had strong opinions and did not hesitate to share them. She was dead set against coffee, so I stopped drinking it around her. She hated cigarettes, but liked cigars. She's the only adult I know that would down a jar of baby food as a snack. She ate only organic food, she wore 100% cotton clothes... she was eccentric to say the least. She talked faster, walked faster, and drove faster than anyone I've ever known.

If there was one thing that Joyce and I had in common, it was our love for books and reading. She helped me get through Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics and Plato's Republic for philosophy classes. She had a gift for teaching (and mothering) and tutoring those younger than herself. I was not at all surprised to hear that she had regularly helped her nieces with their homework and helped them study over the phone. To quiz people was one of her favorite things: she tested me with the information I needed to know, whether it was for work or for an exam at school. And I would have to admit, I probably paid attention (and learned) more because I knew she would test me!

It was Joyce whom I first met outside the Judaica store when I went for my interview with the manager, Joyce who asked me after that infamous Purim play, "So who's the guy who played the King? He's good-looking, right?" (I married that King), and Joyce who advised me that I should only be feeding my baby daughter organic foods (and I took her advice as long as I could afford to!) It's difficult to see how much impact and influence a person has on your life until they are taken out of your life... I pray that I made as much of an impression on her life as she did upon mine. I will most certainly never meet anyone like Joyce, but I am hopeful that perhaps I will meet someone who shares some of her qualities: her genuine concern and interest in people, her intelligence, her sense of humor, her eccentricity.

She was a beautiful expression of G-d's creativity, and she will be dearly missed by many.

we're moving...

2009-10-14T19:34:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to post that my family and I will be moving to Brooklyn, NY by the first of January 2010, so if I don't have the time to write anything until after then, you'll know why! Keep us in your prayers! My husband will be pursuing his Master's Degree at the Feinberg Center for Messianic Jewish Studies.

stark...

2009-10-02T11:27:00.004-04:00

"Blessed are You, Hashem, our G-d, King of the universe, who separated between the holy and secular, between light and darkness, between Israel and the nations, between the seventh day and the six days of labor. Blessed are You, Hashem, who separates between the holy and secular." (From the Siddur for Havdalah)

Although I've read this at the conclusion of every shabbat for months now, it has never been more real to me than it is right now. The Siddur precedes this prayer with the words, "may the distinction between the holiness of Shabbat and the secular nature of the weekdays guide me to appreciate the other differences that exist in His universe." Brought to mind lately are the stark contrasts that exist in the world. Sometimes when we see G-d for who He is, we are taken back by the starkness of reality compared to what G-d deems important. When we see the chasm that sometimes exists between the desires of our hearts and G-d's, it is jarring to say the least. As the "repentance mood" of the Ten Days of Awe and Yom Kippur transitions to the "rejoicing mood" of Sukkot (Tabernacles), I am amazed at the stark contrast between G-d's reality and ours. Transitions and changes (sometimes big changes) are necessary, for G-d oftentimes uses circumstances and changes to change us. Oftentimes it the only way that He can get our attention in this chaotic society in which we live. Oftentimes He must speak louder than words...

There is a difference between the secular and the holy, between darkness and light, between closeness and connectedness, between brazenness and brokenness, between silence and stillness, between contempt and contentment... between us and G-d... and it can be stark. Thankfully, G-d has not given up on us yet! He disciplines and corrects us, he gives and He takes away, but He is never far from us. In fact, He is with us. During this celebration of Sukkot, the stark reality is that we have a long way to go, but also that He has shown us the way to get there......... and when we get there, He will be there too.

Sukkot is a time to remember several things: G-d's provision and deliverance, that He is with us and we will someday be with Him, and that all is vanity aside from Him. As we look forward to reading Kohelet (Ecclesiastes), we are reminded that the things we hold so dear are really not that important........ that G-d sometimes causes change and causes us to leave people and places and things, but those that are really important actually come with us: our husbands, our children, and our G-d. During Sukkot, we are meant to get a taste of what it is like to have nothing so that we understand what is really important, and adjust our priorities likewise.

So, like King Shlomo (Solomon), let us come to the conclusion that what really matters is to "fear
G-d and keep His commandments, for this is man's all. For G-d will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil." -Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

returning...

2009-09-23T12:43:00.006-04:00

We are in the midst of what have been labeled by orthodox Judaism"The Ten Days of Awe," the days in between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. During this time, there is a great focus on teshuvah, or repentance. As believers, this is a wonderful time for us to spend remembering what G-d has done for us and also repenting from those things in our lives that He does not approve of. To "repent" literally means, "to turn." We have to turn from our ungodly thoughts and actions and turn back towards G-d, who has been waiting for us all along.

I have heard it said that we should "go back to the place where we departed from G-d" in repentance, but in this sinful body and world in which we live and breathe, I'm not sure that we always know or remember when and where we departed from godliness. In that case, let us simply return to the feet of our Savior and ask for forgiveness and perhaps He will show us when we departed, or even better, He will align our feet again to the path that He set us upon so that we can continue the journey.

I recently watched the movie, The Chosen, based on the book by Chaim Potok. It is one of my favorites by far, but the ending is the best part. The Chassidic son, who has been seemingly ignored by his father in all aspects of his life except for discussions of Talmud and Torah, is told by his father why he raised him that way. When the boy was very young, he read and memorized a tragic story and recited it to his father with no emotion, no pain at all... and his father realized that he had been given a son with a great mind but an undeveloped heart. So he chose to raise him with the "wisdom and pain" of silence in order to help him better connect with his own heart and also to feel the pain of others around him. When the father determined that the young man had accomplished this, he then began to speak to him about everything and their relationship flourished. The son was then grateful for the silence that he had been subjected to because it subsequently made him a better person. It's a beautiful story in so many ways, and if you have not seen it, do so. Perhaps our Heavenly Father leaves us in silence for periods of time for our own good...

At the very end of the movie, there is one more little story that is told: A boy leaves his father and runs away. His father tells him to return, and he says that he cannot. In great love and compassion, the father tells him, "Well, return as far as you can and I will come meet you there." This not only reminds me of the story of the prodigal son, it speaks volumes to me about repentance. If you, like me, have forgotten where you departed from G-d, don't despair. During these Days of Awe, let us return to Him as far as we can, and He will meet us there.

how this all started -part one

2009-09-22T11:01:00.008-04:00

I don't know when my search for G-d began, but I suppose I was actively looking for Him as a teenager. As I recall the "phases" and stages I went through in those years, they all revolved around music. As a child, I was raised on country music (Being born in Alabama, this should come as no surprise!) Country music was it. I honestly didn't realize that there were so many other types of music in the world. I was not allowed to listen to anything else. I remember the day when I was about 13 or so, and some of my closest friends in the neighborhood were sitting in the pickup truck (whose radio had probably never been turned off of the local country station) listening to "alternative rock" music. It felt as if we were doing something sinful by listening to this music... this foreign, corrupt, music.
G-d forbid that my father should find out what I was listening to.

This perhaps marks the beginnings of rebellion in my life. After listening (and liking) alternative rock, I moved on eventually to heavier rock, heavy metal, and then even death metal. This of course affected the way that I dressed: black clothing, chain hanging from my wallet, looking like a biker or sometimes like a corpse.. this was my "head banger" stage. I wish I still had pictures of myself from this age, but I got rid of all of them!

Then, somehow I toned it way down and became very mellow. It was at this point that I came across a group called Sublime. They were a mixture of alternative, reggae, and ska. They were the ones who introduced me to the infamous Bob Marley, and Bob introduced me to marijuana (which I first tasted on my fifteenth birthday) and rastafarianism. Interestingly enough, Bob also introduced me to a book that he quoted from constantly in his songs: the Bible. He drove me to want to read it and made me curious about what it was about. So in the course of the next year or so, I smoked marijuana from time to time, even tried growing dreadlocks without my father's knowledge, and I read the Bible from cover to cover, Genesis to Revelation. From that point on, whenever anyone would ask me what my favorite book was, my response was always the same: the Bible. I had never read anything like it, and I never will. The Old Testament, with its stories of families and war, prophets and dramas, was immediately my favorite. I fell in love with the Psalms and even memorized several of them during this time. The New Testament, on the other hand, seemed more "mystical" and mysterious, and I didn't know what to think of it. What it said about the Messiah, Bob Marley said about the Ethiopian emperor, Haile Selassie. I didn't know what the truth was or what to believe, but I knew that the Bible was a great book and I couldn't get enough of it.

I spent a lot of time with the Scriptures. Sitting out in the empty fields behind my grandmother's house under the trees, reading or reciting Psalms to the birds or the wind, whichever would listen. I meditated on G-d and on nature, being somewhat curious about the former and in love with the latter. I believed that there was a G-d. Why? I don't know. I'm sure at some point members of my extended family had told me about Him or that he existed, and I just knew in my own heart and mind that He did exist. I just didn't know who or what or where He was.

My belief was only strengthened one day as I was sitting at the kitchen table reading my favorite book and my father walked in. I don't remember how sober or how intoxicated he was at the time, but he said something to the effect of, "You're searching for something you will never find. When you've seen as many people die as I have, you realize that there is no G-d." My response was simple: "I don't believe that." The conversation ended there. His remarks, coming from an ex-marine who served five tours in Vietnam, and his daughter's response, from a stubborn, searching teenager are not surprising either way, but they drove me to believe even more that there was a G-d and I was going to find Him. After all, I inherited my stubbornness from my father in the first place! So there! ;) I was 16.
My father passed away just a year later, but my search didn't end. Neither did my rebellion. Isn't it amazing how teenagers want the exact opposite of what their parents want for them? Perhaps I was attempting to be different rather than admit how similar we indeed were. I think all teenagers have this in common: they don't want to be like their parents. I don't know how so many people survive those years, but here we are. In just over 12 years, I will have a teenager of my own! I can't wait...

A few years later, a close friend of the family began inviting me to church. After declining about 17 times, I finally agreed to go because she told me that if I didn't like it, I wouldn't be invited to go anymore. It was a Wednesday evening, the church was completely full, as there was a guest evangelist speaking that night. His name was Jamey Ragle, and that's all I remember about him. I spent the whole time wiping away and holding back tears, and I didn't even know why I was crying. Now, this wasn't the first time that I had ever been in a church service. No, I had been to Alabama churches a couple times with an aunt, and they weren't good experiences. I always felt "dirty" there, like I had done something wrong, people were looking at me, and whatever the pastor said was aimed directly at me. But here I was, maybe 22 years old, still experiencing those feelings, but there was also a glimmer of hope this time. I wanted to know what all those people were doing there, what they knew that I didn't know... what kept them coming back? In all those books on Eastern philosophy and Zen Buddhism I had read, not one of them made me comfortable with my biggest fear: death. But here, at this Baptist church, I felt something that I had never felt before: truth. All I ever wanted to know was what was true.

While spending an hour with the "new believer's" class, (I didn't choose to go there: I was left there by my ride) I heard a few people testify of their salvation experiences and how they had come to know G-d, the most moving of which was the associate pastor's story, and it was that night in January that I went home, and by myself on the living room floor, drenching the old wooden planks with my tears, met my Savior, whom I now call by His Hebrew name, Yeshua. Prostrated and broken, I went down fatherless, homeless, and lost, but when I got up, I had a Father, a Savior, and hope. I was a different person... immediately. No more promiscuity, no more drugs, no more going along with the negative influences...I was different. G-d simply took those desires away from me, and I am so grateful that He did. I had found what I was looking for.

have you found Him?

...to be continued...

can you hear it?

2009-09-17T12:35:00.007-04:00

As I look forward to hearing the shofar sound tomorrow evening (or perhaps sooner), I can almost hear the sound ringing in my ears already. I would have to say that the shofar's (ram's horn) call has become one of my favorite sounds in the world. I still remember viewing a movie about Moses and my favorite part was when G-d sounded His shofar from Mt. Sinai and the people ran and trembled with fear. It was that movie that helped me better understand the power of G-d, made me long to hear G-d blow the shofar... and I will hear that one day.

The first Rosh Hashanah service I attended where there were two shofars being blown simultaneously was unforgettable. It was one of the most amazing spiritual experiences I have had. The power and sheer volume of the deep, strong blasts left me trembling with tears streaming down my cheeks...imagining what it will like on that day when we hear the shofar of G-d calling us to Himself. Perhaps tomorrow...

"There are things that are important to us, so we speak about them.
There are things so important to us that the words flow out in a burst of emotion, rich words, expressive and vibrant.
And then there are things that shake us to the core. Things that do not care for the mind's permission or for the right words—for the mind cannot fathom them, the most poignant words could not contain them. Things that can only break out in a cry, in a scream, and then in silence.
This is the sound of the shofar: The very core of our souls crying, "Father! Father!"

-Tzvi Freeman

Come, L-rd Yeshua.

sanity drive

2009-09-15T16:01:00.012-04:00

Well, I'm happy to say that we haven't had a sanity drive for a while, but we had one today. A "sanity drive" is my description of putting the baby in the car seat (to take a nap because she was refusing to take one and screaming at the top of her lungs in her crib) and driving (and thinking, praying, whatever) while she sleeps. Today was one of those days...

On one of these drives, I almost always find myself driving east, towards the Atlantic Ocean. Though I usually just head to Palm Beach, today's was special because I drove all the way to Singer Island and then onward to Juno Beach. It brought back memories for me as this was the route I used to take my pit bull, Cobra, to the beach. Just me and her, windows rolled down in the 1985 Volkswagen Jetta, her slobbering all over the backseat and me enjoying the fresh air. Life was simpler then, but if I had a chance to go back, I'd say , "No way!" Now it's still just me and her, though the 'her' is a sleeping baby in the car seat.

Living so close to the beach for practically all of my life, I always remember being in awe of the ocean. It was there when I was about 18 years old, looking out from the sidewalk to the perfectly straight line of the horizon, that I remember asking my (stoner) friend, "How could anyone say that there is no G-d?" Though I didn't know Him at that time, I believed that He existed with all of my heart. I plan on writing much about how I came to know Him and the journey that He has carried me on (if He tarries after this Rosh Hashanah), but for now, I just praise G-d for creating the ocean... for the terror, awe, and beauty that it inspires in me and for the calming effect that it has on me when I'm having one of those days as a mother.

Surely not by chance, I came across Psalm 96 today. Verses 7-13 state: "Ascribe to the L-RD, O families of the peoples, Ascribe to the L-RD glory and strength. Ascribe to the L-RD the glory of His name; Bring an offering and come into His courts. Worship the L-RD in holy attire; Tremble before Him, all the earth. Say among the nations, "The L-RD reigns; Indeed, the world is firmly established, it will not be moved; He will judge the peoples with equity." Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; Let the sea roar, and all it contains; Let the field exult, and all that is in it. Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy before the L-RD, for He is coming, for He is coming to judge the earth. He will judge the world in righteousness and the peoples in His faithfulness."

During my sanity drive today, I couldn't help but think about Rosh Hashanah ("Feast of Trumpets" in Leviticus 23). Will this be the year that Yeshua calls for us, His children? During this time of introspection and repentance, I realize how far I am from being like Him, but I also realize how far He has brought me and that leaves me far more hopeful. Although it is important to use our past to teach us, remind us, and inspire us, the future that is awaiting us is much more glorious and important, especially now, two days before this very special Holy Day.

I read a very interesting quote in an email today. It is entitled Reboot by Tzvi Freeman: "Time is not a train of cars hitched one to another, one year dragged along by the year preceding, the present hitched tightly to the past, the future enslaved to the present. Rather, every year arrives fresh from its Creator, a year that never was before and could never have been known before its arrival. That is why we call Rosh Hashana "the birthday of the world" in our prayers. The past has returned to its place, never to return. With the blowing of the shofar, the entirety of Creation is renewed. From this point on, even the past exists only by virtue of the present." If this is indeed the year when the Bridegroom calls for His bride, then the past is gone forever, never to return. The only question that keeps replaying in my mind is, "I've only known Him for about 7 years: am I ready to meet Him face to face?" I don't know if I'll ever be truly ready, but now's the time to get there.

Are you ready to meet Him? For He is coming...

love you

2009-09-08T15:03:00.013-04:00

"...you shall love the L-rd your G-d with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength... and you shall love your neighbor as yourself..." taken from Mark 12:30-31

Notice how this verse says "love your neighbor as yourself," not "before yourself" or "instead of yourself." Why is this important? Well, it means that in order to love anyone else, you must first love yourself and then use that love as a standard of how to love others. As I have noticed in my own life and in the life of other mothers (and women in general), we have a tendency to put the needs of others in front of our own. While being a helper and servant and caregiver are wonderful gifts that G-d has bestowed upon us, we can easily exhaust ourselves in the process of using these gifts. An exhausted woman has less to offer than a rested one. Believe me, as a new mother, I know what exhaustion is and I know how it affects my relationships with others. When we fail to love ourselves, it becomes very difficult to love others.

I would never suggest that you should stop caring for your children because your needs are not being met. I'm simply saying that you shouldn't feel guilty if you need a little "me" time every once in a while. That "me" time will mean something different to every woman. I'm not the type to go get a manicure or pedicure or my hair done, but sometimes I enjoy just doing laundry or a little shopping in peace and quiet... and alone. I am one of the reasons that laundry and dish detergents have so many fragrances to choose from. It's like aromatherapy for busy moms. I find that once I have enjoyed some time away from my baby girl or my husband, it makes me so much more happy to see them when I return to their presence. In some cases, the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. It makes me appreciate my family even more.

So the next time you feel burnt out and exhausted, instead of feeling guilty, just remember that even the world's most powerful machines need to be refueled and maintained sometimes.

"...for no one hates [her] own body but lovingly cares for it..."

Ephesians 5:29

discretion is advised

2009-09-04T11:08:00.013-04:00

This is a difficult one for me to write, but it is necessary. In fact, it pains my heart that there is a need for me to even point this out. My stomach churned last week when I saw a preview for a show called "Toddlers and Tiaras." It is apparently about really young girls, like 3-5 years old, in "beauty pageants." It also highlights their obsessive mothers who put them into these events. But what's really disturbing is what the little girls are wearing. Since when does mascara, tight leather, and bikinis have anything to do with toddler beauty? Seeing the show advertised for the first time, I couldn't help but think to myself: "who is this show aimed at?" Toddlers certainly won't be watching it because it's on past their bedtime! Forgive me for asking this, but is it for pedophiles to watch? Who else wants to see little girls doing little risque dances with makeup caked on their tiny faces or their crazy mothers who are trying to get attention themselves by exploiting their daughters?! Although I'm trying to control the anger (and heartbreak) that I'm feeling, this really touches a nerve with me. Especially now that I have a daughter...

On a nine month old, the little onesies and outfits are just cute. But I know there will come a time (in a few short years) when I will probably be forced to graciously decline (or return) gifts of inappropriate clothing for my daughter and deal with the accusations of being overprotective or just plain crazy... that time is coming. I pray that I'm prepared for it when it arrives. The sad fact remains that, even though most mothers would never want their child to be looked at as a sexual object, there are individuals in this fallen world who see them as such. If I should encourage that type of behavior by dressing my daughter in a sexually provocative manner (or by allowing her to dress that way when she is older), then shame on me as a mother. I would rather nurture modesty in her from a very young age. In a world laden with child pornography & prostitution, sexual abuse, and rape, it is my job to be protective of my children and their bodies.

Children (girls and boys) should be raised with a Biblical understanding of the body and the importance of modesty. Otherwise, these "toddlers in tiaras" grow up to be immodest teenagers and adults. The bulk of American society today (especially young people) doesn't give too much credence or thought to modesty because it has not been instilled in them. In addition, they are pressured to conform to the societal "norm" by their peers, which means wearing the latest fashions and trends regardless of how inappropriate they are. But thanks be to G-d, not everyone dresses according to the latest trends nor do they teach or allow their children to.

There is a book, The Beauty of Modesty by David Vaughan, which makes some excellent points regarding modesty, its need, nature, and nurture. Regarding the nurturing of modesty, Vaughan deals extensively with the place of the parents' responsibility to teach modesty. While I will most definitely teach and model modesty as an example for my daughter(s), it is ultimately their father who will instill it in them. Why? Because every little girl craves attention from their daddy and those little girls grow up to crave attention from other men. However, if the father is lovingly present and willing to teach his daughters a Biblical view of their bodies, they won't have that void in their lives which leaves them longing for male attention. Many girls and young women dress inappropriately today because their fathers don't have the nerve (or tough love) to tell them to do otherwise.

It seems that the issue of modesty has taken a (very far) back seat in the believing world today. It is not expounded upon or taught from the Scriptures as much as it should be. It is a "non-essential" item, that is, it doesn't determine or deny the salvation of a person's soul. But perhaps we need to take it a little more seriously because it is certainly important. In today's continually degrading society, I would say it is very important. As Vaughan notes, "Immodesty is no small sin. It is not simply a silly and vain form of self-display. It is a snare to serious sin." Leading others to sin is not something I would wish to be involved in, nor would I wish it on my daughters. Chances are, you probably won't be seeing little Elli in magazines, television commercials, or beauty pageants. But if her beauty simply causes others to praise G-d's creativity and is wholeheartedly reserved for her husband, then my duty and joy as a mother will be complete.

coffee with Shaul...

2009-09-03T10:36:00.006-04:00

Sharing a meal of manna with Moses would be nice, or taking a tour of the Holy Land with the prophet Elijah as the guide unforgettable, but I personally have often daydreamt about what it would be like just to have a conversation at a table outside Starbucks with the Apostle Paul (Shaul/Saul of Tarsus). Out of all the biblical characters and writers, excluding the L-rd Yeshua himself, he is the one I strive to understand and interact with the most. He is the one I long to meet one day. What I have gleaned from his writings has been unsurpassable. As a new believer, it was Paul’s words that fascinated me, convicted me, and perplexed me the most. He was a source of encouragement and an example for me to follow. He is my rabbi, my teacher: one of many who have driven me to pursue the Word of G-d and His purposes for my life. As I received, or rather fully realized and accepted, my calling to minister to the Jewish people, it was Paul that I related to the most. As the L-rd revealed himself to Paul despite, even because of, his colorful history and former hatred for the community of G-d, the L-rd revealed himself to me despite, or because of, my colorful history and a background laden with racism and anti-Semitism. Likewise, as a Hebrew called to the non-Hebrews, Paul helps me deal with being a non-Hebrew called to the Hebrews. For all of these reasons and more, it is Paul’s theology I would like to focus on here. More specifically, how Paul lived his theology and how he has inspired me to live mine.

The introduction of Saul of Tarsus is a unique one in scripture. It is not pretty, but rather brutal, bloody, and unforgettable. Saul is first depicted, not as an inspirational figure, but as a murderous fanatic, expressing his approval of the stoning of the believing Stephen. Charles Swindoll puts it well when he says “the man [Saul] looks more like a terrorist than a devout follower of Judaism.” Some time after this, however, the L-rd appears to Saul as he is riding horseback to Damascus, blinds him, sends him to Ananias to restore his sight and he eventually becomes one of the most important figures in formulating the theology of what started as The Way.

How does a brute become one of the most influential figures in Biblical history? To answer this in one word, grace. Paul’s theology is one of grace. The theology of Paul has been examined, debated, refuted, and picked apart for over a thousand years. He has been labeled a saint, a traitor to Judaism, and the founder of Christianity among other things. But who was he, and what was his theology, namely his understanding of the Torah?

First of all, t is important for me to explain what I mean by Torah. Although commonly translated as “the Law,” its understanding is really much broader than this. The Hebrew word torah comes from the verb yarah, meaning ‘to cast, throw, or shoot,’ and is used as an archery term for ‘to take aim or shoot.’ The essence of the word is “to hit the mark.” Torah is more than laws and regulations. Torah is more than the five books of Moses. Torah is essentially God’s mark that He desires us to shoot for. Saul of Tarsus seems to have understood this well. For him, with his impeccable knowledge of the Hebrew Scriptures and of what is called the Oral Law as well, Torah was internal. Torah was grace. Unfortunately, this understanding seems to get lost in most theology studies today. When readers today read “the Law” in Paul’s writings, their mind automatically goes to Leviticus or Deuteronomy. In many cases, this is not what he is referring to. At times, he says “in the law it is written” and then he quotes from a book outside of the five books of Moses, such as the Psalms (See I Corinthians 14:21). A monotone understanding of what Paul means when he says ‘the Law’ is simply insufficient to truly grasp what he is saying in his letters and what is said about him in the book of Acts. In my reading of the writings of Saul of Tarsus, I have learned not to settle for this monolithic understanding.

I have always been a very logical person, perhaps too logical at times. But this drive to make sense of whatever I possibly can in the world around me and within me has led me into some great opportunities. One of the most memorable, seemingly illogical things that I have ever done in my life happened on the day that I accepted the L-rd Yeshua as my Savior. My mind could not grasp what my heart felt. I did not fully understand the implications of what I was doing. All that I knew is that it was true, and that it was the right thing to do. It has been one decision that I don’t remember ever regretting. On that day, I became a new person. Although I can’t explain what happened to me, I don’t view it as illogical anymore. My faith in G-d and the reality of G-d are as real to me as anything else that I have ever experienced.

When it comes to learning, I want to describe myself as a sponge. (However, I don’t retain as much water as I would like). When I became a believer, I begin to soak up the Scriptures. They were all I wanted to read and all I wanted to study. If I was going to become a student again, a college student, then I was going to study the Scriptures. I went to church services, Bible studies, outreaches, and I began to serve in middle school ministry every week. I could not get enough. I had great teachers, an amazing pastor, and many individuals that poured their life into me. But something was missing. There was a discontinuity between my life, the church, the teachings, and the Scriptures. I was learning, but I wanted to know more. I grew weary of reading and learning the Bible. I longed to feel it, to live it out…to make sense of it.

One day, something happened. I heard from someone at church that there were Jews who also believed that Yeshua was the Messiah. My mouth nearly dropped open. It’s almost as if my heart skipped a beat at that moment. I had to see this for myself. The teacher of the Jewish Roots Bible study was possibly the first Jewish person I met who believed in Yeshua. He taught Scripture in a way that I had not yet experienced, and I praise G-d for bringing me across his path. He made the New Testament make sense to me. I had found what I was looking for.

What about Paul? Did he make sense? I still remember thinking that Paul and Saul were two different men, and I would venture to say that I am not the only one who has thought this. In my mind, there was Saul the Jew and Paul the Christian. This was a misunderstanding on my part, however, and a failure to read through the book of Acts slowly and carefully. As far as I can tell, Saul’s name was never changed to Paul in the Scriptures. Both were his names from his childhood, which was customary amongst first-century Jews. Why is this important? I think it furthers the divisions that exist between Saul the unbeliever and Saul the believer. Granted, he became a new man, indeed a new creation, after meeting the L-rd on the road to Damascus, but the fact remains that he was still Saul of Tarsus, the Pharisee. And he describes himself as such. (Acts 23:6) It is interesting that today the term Pharisee has such a negative connotation, despite the fact that our beloved Apostle Paul was one. It is important to keep in mind that his understanding of Scripture, even after he became a believer, was shaped and molded by his education as a Pharisee, and by his love for and internalization of the Torah. His messianic faith did not cause him to forsake the Hebrew Scriptures. His writings are embedded with commentary after commentary on them in light of his new faith in the Messiah. He understood that believing in Him was in all regards the natural outcome of truly believing what Moses and the prophets had said about the coming of the Messiah. Yeshua was the fulfillment, and not the cancellation of the Torah. It is heartbreaking to me that many believers don’t study the Hebrew Scriptures like they should. Some feel that they are irrelevant, and others don’t even own a copy of the Old Testament because there are so many Bibles being printed without it these days. An incomplete Bible leads to an incomplete faith.

Beginning to be taught the Scriptures by a Jewish teacher opened my eyes to the richness and fullness of the Bible as it is slowly understood in its proper context. It is this richness and fullness that is so evident in the writings of Paul. Paul was known to be a student of a well-known rabbi, Gamaliel. He was a great teacher and rabbi himself. He was a emissary, traveling all over the ancient world for the sake of the Gospel. With these qualifications, it is crucial to let the man speak for himself. How did he feel about the Torah (Law)? In Romans 3:31, he asks and then answers his own question: “Do we then make void the law through faith? Certainly not! On the contrary, we establish the law.” In Romans 7:12, he calls the law “holy and the commandment holy and just and good”…and later he calls the law “spiritual” (v.14). To sum up Paul’s feelings towards the Torah in one verse, he proclaims that “all Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17) Perhaps all Scripture includes the Old Testament. Perhaps the Old Testament is profitable in equipping the man of God for every good work.

The biggest misconception concerning the Torah is its relationship to salvation. Well, the truth is that the Torah has never saved anyone. Anyone who teaches that the Torah produces salvation or that the Torah is necessary for salvation is directly contradicting Scripture. Saul had a big problem with these “teachers.” In the letter to the Galatians, he warned the Gentile believers to not be ‘bewitched’ by those who were trying to convince them that they needed to be circumcised, in accordance with the traditional mode of conversion to Judaism, in order to truly be saved. Paul rebukes the teachers very harshly, and explains to the believers that their faith is what has saved them, and to go through with the rite of circumcision might please these close-minded humans but it would not give them any other standing in the eyes of G-d than what they had obtained already through their faith in Yeshua as the L-rd. If anything, it would be redundant and an insult to the grace of G-d. Paul consistently and passionately rebukes his peers whenever they attempt to connect salvation with the works of the Torah. As my rabbi often says, “Works will never produce salvation, but salvation will always produce works.” The difference between legalism and obedience is that legalism says, “I must obey God in order to be saved”, and obedience through grace says, “I must obey because I am saved.” Saul of Tarsus seems to emphasis the latter.

Saul’s love for the Word of G-d and his unquenchable zeal to spread it has been very contagious for me. His zeal, however, was not without knowledge as was that of his brothers of whom he speaks of in Romans 10:2. Knowledge without zeal can also be a bad combination. I desire to have both. Saul of Tarsus had both. As a messianic believer, I strive to make Paul’s teachings real to me. Working in the presence of, reading about, and being exposed to countless different forms of Judaism, I follow Paul’s example in directing my zeal to Biblical Judaism alone, while striving to be sensitive to and be able to interact with the many other Judaisms that are out there. Paul dealt with many Judaisms in his day as well. To this day, I have not met one Jew who desires to be a “Christian”. In fact, the word leaves a bad taste in many mouths. In studying Jewish history, I am beginning to realize why that is. We have to be careful not to build walls, but bridges. Being able to invite Jewish people to my congregation for services and feasts, such as Passover and Hanukkah, with the deliberate intention of exposing them to the Messiah is priceless. If a question about the Bible comes up at work, it is usually directed to me, because I am a student of the Bible. Modern day traditional Jews, for the most part, have no idea what the Scriptures say, and many religious or orthodox Jews place more emphasis on the Talmud than on the Word of G-d. This is not the Judaism that I follow. My ministry is to help the Jewish people understand that accepting Yeshua does not mean turning their backs on who they are, their heritage, their culture, and their families. It means that they experience what it means to be a Jew when they come to the One who is the fullness of the Torah and all that is written in it, The Messiah. “My heart’s desire and my prayer to God for Israel is that they may be saved.” (Romans 10:1) I have made three trips to the nation of Israel. Every time, I have returned with a broken heart. I know as much as anyone that they need to be saved…

Paul never turned his back on the Word of G-d or on the nation of Israel. He understood that Yeshua was the fulfillment of everything he had learned in the Torah. As believers, let’s take a step back and consider the possibility that Paul has been taken out of his context. Let’s reconsider what Paul meant when he said that we do not support the root, but it is the root that supports us. Let’s reconsider the importance of Jewish evangelism. Let’s reconsider the place of the Torah in our lives.

Free to be Frugal

2009-08-20T14:40:00.003-04:00

Growing up, my family never had much money, but we always had just enough, which reminds me of the verse,"Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the
L-RD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my G-d" (Proverbs 30:8-9). I was never without anything that I really needed. This upbringing taught me many valuable lessons, and I am grateful to be reminded of where I came from.

In one of my college composition classes, I wrote a descriptive essay entitled "Poverty" and though I never said so in the paper (which the professor read aloud to the class), I was describing the house in which I lived at the time and grew up in. The essay quickly became one of my favorites...

"I step out of the bright Florida sunshine into the dimly lit house. As my eyes adjust to the semi-darkness, I realize that I am standing in the living room. To my right sits an old beige couch, worn and stained. On the shelf below the television, a lone fish swims in a dingy 10 gallon tank furnished with green gravel, a plastic plant swaying in the current, and algae. On the far left of the room stands a century-old piano adorned with family pictures and dust. I have failed to mention the constant creaking of the ceiling fan overhead.

Entering the hallway, I turn to the right and enter a small bedroom. Inside, the air smells of lavender and moth balls. Turning to my left, I see two parakeets in a small birdcage. The first stares at me with curious peppercorn eyes. His feathers remind me of the sky on a summer day; they are a deep blue with white tips. His companion, however, is not so calm. She squawks hysterically and flaps her wings. I begin to whistle, and the angry queen becomes quiet. Her temper does not take anything away from her beauty. Her wings are a light blue color, as if the sky was being reflected off fresh fallen snow. Turning my gaze from these magnificent creatures, I notice an over-stuffed closet. On top of it, two porcelain dolls compete for my attention. The first displays her beautifully pink Victorian style dress. The second, a ballerina, shows off her favorite ballet position; she is a tall and graceful youth in a white leotard. Despite their vanity, I give them both one last glance of assurance and proceed out of the room.

It is time for me to leave and return to where I have come from. Exiting the front door, I am blinded by the light. Once again, my eyes have to adjust. As I descend the cracked stone steps, I remember the hanging in the blue room: The L-rd is my Shepherd; I shall not want. There is something truly humble about this place. Where poverty exists, humility is present forever. I must never forget that."

Although that was just an excerpt, hopefully you can get a mental picture. The essay is probably one of my favorites because when reading it, even after almost six years, I can still see and smell everything I mentioned. Now, married with a baby, I still don't have much money, but we always have just enough. And my "poverty" has become "frugality".

It was my plan from even before I became pregnant with my daughter to be a stay-at-home mom to my children. Not because I don't enjoy working, but because the thought of someone else raising my small children is unbearable. Of course, I had rose-colored glasses on at the time and I thought it would be easy! Needless to say, it is not what I would call easy, but it is definitely worth it.

In reading 1/2 Price Living by Ellie Kay, I was inspired.She speaks of frugality being a full-time job for a stay-at-home mom, and it is! I love to clip coupons! That has become my Sunday routine. Since I discovered CVS and their Extra Bucks Rewards, I have managed to stock up on shampoos, conditioners, body wash, razors, toothpaste, etc. (and it's name-brand stuff, but I got it for free or cheap!), so I restrain from buying these items unless there's a bargain I can't refuse. My "stash" could probably last for at least a year (maybe two?), even with my husband using it too. In addition, I have oodles of free samples (go to http://www.mysavings.com/) of toiletries that we use for travel or if we run out of something. If we stay in a hotel room, we always take whatever toiletries they are giving away to their guests.

Because milk is so expensive, we used to water down whole milk to turn one gallon into two, and I only buy milk at the stores that are cheapest. We go through a lot of milk because my husband drinks instant breakfast and I put milk into my "Cappuccino Coolers" I get from the grocery store to keep myself away from coffee shops! (They are about $2 for six. Compare that to at least $1.50 each for iced coffees, which is what I prefer.)

Having a baby is very expensive!(Surprise, Surprise!) I get free samples of diapers when I can (just got three in the mail today!) and there are days when we are home when I use cloth diapers to cut back on some of the disposables. And my Pampers and Huggies days are over! When Elisheva was born, that's what she wore, which was easy when we had so many giftcards, but now she wears Walmart & Target brand (just as good as Pampers if you ask me) and sometimes Luvs when I have a coupon. We saved lots of money on formula by breastfeeding, which I recommend. She is still nursing at 9 months and eating solid foods. Unfortunately, I haven't convinced her that homemade vegetables are better than Gerber. She doesn't seem to like texture much, but we're working on that... I do have the food processor and the strainer to make her food. I think it has been a matter of convenience (that's my excuse for buying prepared baby foods!), so I use coupons and buy more when it's on sale. Clothes are not much of an issue because since before her birth, she has been given more clothes than I can count! And when I buy her clothes, they are from clearance racks (and just as cute). I also buy clothes for myself from clearance racks (and sometimes thrift stores) and not very often. Kohl's has awesome clearance prices if you wait for them to go down. I have bought clothes for me, my husband, and daughter there.

I thoroughly enjoy getting good deals. It's not about spending money for me; I just like to shop for things and bring them home... whether they are from the thrift store, the dollar store, or somewhere else is not really an issue to me.

To stretch our resources as far as they can go and still provide for my family is part of being a mother and wife. When it comes down to it, we don't really need that much to survive and to thrive, especially when we have the Messiah dwelling in our hearts and home. My daughter has also been a wonderful teacher to me concerning frugality. As she digs through the full basket of toys and comes out with a smile and a plastic lid or cup, I realize how little she needs to be happy. We could all learn a lesson from her contentment.

the guest- part one

2009-08-09T20:14:00.013-04:00

Your special guest arrives right on time as usual. Your day has been spent preparing for her arrival, and you have looked forward to the time when she would appear. You prepared dinner, tidied up the house, and tried your best to get everything done in time, but just like last week, you're not quite sure if you completed all you intended to. But thankfully, this is a gracious and pleasant guest: she probably won't even notice the stray clothes or the clutter or the few items "out of place" in your home as she greets you. Your home is filled with joy and gladness, fellowship and meaningful conversation. Perhaps you all retire early so that you can continue the pleasure in the morning after you've rested, or perhaps you all stay up late, unable to leave one another's presence. Either way, you're probably disappointed when after a day, she has to say her farewells... until next week. Of course, you send her off with another special celebration, sad to see her go, but hopeful you will soon see her again. Your schedule and your plans revolve around this special guest's weekly visits. The guest I speak of is, of course, the Shabbat...

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath of the L-RD your G-d; in it you shall not do any work, you or your son or your daughter, your male or your female servant or your cattle or your sojourner who stays with you. For in six days the L-RD made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day; therefore the L-RD blessed the sabbath day and made it holy. -- Exodus 20:8-11

Nothing motivates me more to tidy up my house than company coming over. It's amazing how much I can get done in so little time when I know that someone is coming for a visit. A few weeks ago, as I was busy cleaning the house for an expected guest, I realized something. What if I could treat the Shabbat this way, as a special guest... a guest worthy of preferential treatment and honor...

In the siddur, Shabbat is referred to as the "Sabbath Bride" and there is a beautiful prayer, "Lecha Dodi" (Come, my Beloved) to welcome "her". It states, "Come my Beloved to greet the bride, the Sabbath presence, let us welcome! "Safeguard" and "Remember" in a single utterance the One and Only G-d made us hear. HaShem is One and His name is One, for renown, for splendor, and for praise. To welcome the Sabbath, come let us go, for it is a source of blessing; from the beginning, from antiquity she was honored, Last in deed, but first in thought." I am convinced that G-d holds Shabbat very near to His heart, and so should we. I have heard countless testimonies of individuals coming to the realization that they should be keeping the Sabbath as the first step in their journey to becoming messianic. As the siddur states, it is a source of blessing. Of all the commandments He had to pick from, G-d chose to list honoring the Sabbath in the Ten Words (Ten Commandments). That should tell us something!

The Shabbat is one way that the G-d of Israel chose to draw those from the nations to Himself as well. In Exodus 20, we read that Shabbat is for everyone, including the servants and foreigners. There is another beautiful passage in Isaiah 56 (verse 3-7): "Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the L-RD say, "The L-RD will surely separate me from His people. Nor let the eunuch say, 'Behold, I am a dry tree.' For thus says the L-RD, 'To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths, And choose what pleases Me, And hold fast My covenant; To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, And a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off. Also the foreigners who join themselves to the L-RD, To minister to Him, and to love the name of the L-RD, To be His servants, every one who keeps from profaning the sabbath And holds fast My covenant; Even those I will bring to My holy mountain And make them joyful in My house of prayer. Their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be acceptable on My altar; For My house will be called a house of prayer for all the peoples.'" Sounds pretty clear, doesn't it? Keeping the Shabbat equals blessings and acceptance from G-d.

But how do we do it? I'll write more about this in a later post...

keepers of the home

2009-08-05T13:32:00.006-04:00

"...That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home..." Titus 2:4-5

I actually enjoy housework. In fact, I find myself being jealous of women who can spend a few hours cleaning their homes with both hands because they don't have a baby at home. Now, I have to get very creative and resourceful. I like to clean and to see and savor the results of my efforts around the house, even though it always seems that the whole house is never clean at the same time! In my studies, one of the most profound (and convicting) subjects has been on women as "keepers at home." As I have found, being a keeper of the home is so much more than cooking and cleaning. The responsibilities are so much deeper and more significant. As we have seen with women in general, the importance of the outer beauty of the home pales in comparison to the inner beauty that should be present there.

In orthodox Judaism (and indeed in Biblical Judaism) today, the woman's responsibilities often revolve around the home and what goes on inside it. I recently read an article on chabad.org entitled "I am Woman" where the author, Sara Esther Crispe, writes about the mitzvot, or commandments, for men and women. In orthodox Judaism, men are said to be required to keep all of the "time-bound commandments" (i.e. praying with a minyan in a synagogue three times a day, etc.) and for women, many of these mitzvot are optional because it is understood that a woman (especially with small children) needs to be at home for the majority of the time in order to fulfill her responsibilities. Crispe also mentions that many commandments given to men are physical and external (i.e. wearing the tallit, tefillin, and tzitzit or the tradition of wearing a kippah) while a woman's commandments are more internal and private. She says "In almost every case, they are done within the home and in some cases no one other than she is aware as to whether or not she is doing them." Examples would include her private times of prayer, preparing kosher food, and teaching her children. Also, in the Artscroll Women's Siddur, which we pray from on Shabbat morning at our congregation, it gives an explanation as to why women pray "Blessed are You, HaShem, our G-d, King of the universe, for having made me according to His will" (while men pray "...for not making me a woman..."). It explains that "it is a woman's unique opportunity to offer thanksgiving to G-d for her special role as a transmitter of our illustrious tradition. Commentators explain that women are naturally more spiritually inclined than men. For that reason G-d exempted them from certain obligations that He imposed upon Jewish men. Instead, He entrusted women with building the Jewish home and introducing His mitzvot to Jewish children at the very start of their lives..." Well, I don't know if all woman are more spiritually inclined than all men, but it would definitely seem that they are the primary caretakers for children and that they pass on more traditions than their male counterparts. I suspect that many congregations (like ours) have more women filling the seats than men.

In addition to a woman's mitzvot at home, she has many responsibilities. In the words of Debi Pearl (Created to be His Helpmeet"), "keeping the home is more than staying at home; it is having a heart that is fixed on the home. A help meet will be engaged in creative enterprises that challenge and inspire the children. She will guard the home against outside influences, and she will always be on watch to protect the children from their own inventions of evil. She will not be idle and neither will her children. She will ease her husband's load by painting the hall and cutting the grass. She will be frugal in all her endeavors, and she will teach the children to love serving Daddy. She will keep the home so that when Daddy comes home, it is to a sanctuary of peace, love, and order. A real help meet will make herself useful to her man instead of wasting her time."

Whew... what do I say after that quote (that 40 hour a week job is sounding easier now, huh?). I am surely guilty of doing the opposite of everything she just said at one time or another. Keeping a home and raising a family is no easy job description. So if this is truly what G-d wants for us, women, then I am blown away by how He must view us... if He didn't think we could handle it, then He wouldn't have made us who we are. He has equipped up with an unmatchable inner strength and passion to be keepers of the home, godly wives, and mothers who will create and pass on beautiful memories and traditions to our children. When something challenges me (like being a keeper at home), I always marvel at the strength G-d must think that I have. After all, why would a loving G-d who knows everything about us set us up for failure? He wouldn't...

Don't misunderstand me and think that I am saying that women are responsible for doing everything around the home by themselves. No, we are not superhumans... we are women. Even the Biblical matriarchs had servants! If you need a house cleaning service or hired workers to paint your home or cut your grass (thank G-d I don't have to cut my grass), you are not less of a woman. If you need to work outside the home, you are not less of a woman. The most important aspect of being a keeper at home is not the home itself, but the people who live there... your husband and your children. You need to be their home. G-d knows that you can do it because if you are a believer in Yeshua, then you are already home to G-d's Holy Spirit, are you not? As He has sanctified us by His indwelling Spirit, let us sanctify our homes and our families in His strength...

Comment:*He provides help for His helpmeets when we need it! After I posted this, I received a call from my mom saying that my nephew and brother are willing to come tomorrow and help me paint my bedroom, which I was going to do a little at a time because I know my husband doesn't have time to help. Now it will get done much faster! Baruch Hashem!

changing times

2009-08-04T10:38:00.007-04:00

She's crawling! The most common phrase I've heard in the past week is "you're in trouble." Yes, little Elisheva is crawling and trying to stand and talk and do things by herself already. Perhaps I am in trouble, or at least it seems that my writing has been! Not finding the time to post a real entry in the past week, I figured I would write something to explain why (mostly to myself).

Elli has two more top teeth coming in. It has become rather easy to know when she is teething, because she ceases sleeping through the night, her naps become a little shorter, and she becomes a lot more aggressive and cranky. It's a beautiful time! :) She also requires more attention when she is awake and on the move, so when she sleeps I find myself doing the things that I couldn't do when she was awake. This doesn't leave much time for reading or writing, and for me the two are somewhat inseperable. Turning 9 months old in less than a week, she thinks she is really grown up now. (She's always been a miniature adult, but now more than ever.) Along with her personality developing and coming out, her temper is also rearing its little head! I have to keep reminding myself that she is probably in pain most of the time and that she wouldn't be so unruly otherwise. Don't get me wrong, she is still a very sweet and loving (and funny!) little girl, except when she's tired....

So between caring for her and for the house (I've been cleaning and organizing our clutter), the little free time that I do have has obviously not been spent writing. But bear with me until this season passes and Elli becomes herself again. I suppose these times are necessary in motherhood and in life. So as the ideas and inspirations roll around my head like dice looking for their exit (alongside the nursery rhymes and Shalom Sesame songs that are stuck there also), I praise HaShem for bringing me to this season, and for giving me the strength to get through it.

Miraculous Flow: My Breastfeeding Journey

2009-07-27T15:06:00.014-04:00

I don't remember ever asking myself if I would bottle feed or breastfeed my children. I suppose I just always knew or assumed that it would be the latter. But I could have never imagined what I would learn from the experience, and learning to breastfeed is only a tiny portion.

Since my daughter, now eight and a half months old, was delivered by C-section, I missed out on the pains and experiences associated with labor and delivery. Therefore, breastfeeding was my first major lesson in self-sacrifice as a new mother (other than what I had already learned from my not-so-easy pregnancy of course!) It is often said that the first six weeks are the hardest. Well, I say if you get through the first six days, pat yourself on the back because you are doing good! It is no mystery that breastfeeding hurts in the beginning (and in my case, still does some of the time). I was so grateful for participating with my husband in a Bradley method class ("husband coached childbirth") before the birth because we spent a lot of time just learning to relax our bodies in order to minimize pain, and I have to say, I definitely utilized those methods when learning to breastfeed! Otherwise, I would have been screaming, and that would have made the situation worse... and traumatized the poor, tiny baby who is also struggling to learn this new skill. Continuing on despite the pain is something a mother can do only through self-sacrifice. Breastfeeding is the best option for the baby (as even formula producers will tell you), and that is what has driven me to strive on. Even in those early days and weeks when I wanted so bad to give up and give her formula and maybe get her to sleep a little longer... oh, the temptation... I knew deep in my heart that I would have regrets if I stopped nursing and I just needed to continue until it got easier... and it did.

In addition, there are experiences and teachings that I could have received from no other place than my own body. Isn't is miraculous that women's bodies produce milk for babies? And it doesn't end there, women produce milk for their young, specifically engineered (by a loving Creator) to nourish that baby at this time who has these needs, and no matter how hard we try, no man-made formula will ever match this. I am by no means putting down loving mothers who choose to feed formula to their babies, and I am well aware that there are circumstances that hinder or make breastfeeding impossible. I am simply telling of my unique experience on this journey. Breast milk is miraculous, as we learned in our childbirth class, and it has pointed me further towards a miraculous G-d.

Thinking about this topic reminded me of something I believe I heard in a college Hebrew course. One of G-d's names in the Scriptures is El Shaddai (commonly translated as G-d Almighty). Strong's Concordance has this to say: "The title Shadday really indicates the fullness and riches of G-d's grace, and would remind the Hebrew reader that from G-d comes every good and perfect gift-- that He is never weary of pouring forth His mercies on His people, and that He is more than ready to give than they are to receive. (2) Bountiful expresses the sense most exactly. (3) El sets forth the might of G-d and the title Shadday points to the inexhaustible stores of His bounty." If you look just nine words earlier in Strong's, there's the word shad, which is defined as "the breast of a woman or animal." The teacher used this similarity and relationship of these Hebrew words to say that G-d is our nourishment, just as a nursing mother nourishes her child. El Shaddai is not only powerful and mighty, but El Shaddai is a G-d who nourishes and provides. I find that beautiful, and even more so now as a nursing mother myself.

Isn't it amazing how certain aspects of G-d's word come to life when you yourself experience them? For example, in Psalm 131:2-3, it says "Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me." Although I've read an article that suggests this should say "suckling child" instead of "weaned child,"(you can read it: http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/525972/jewish/Mothers-Milk-Mothers-Faith.htm. It inspired me to write this) either of which would have the same effect on me because in order for a child to be weaned, he had to be nursed before this point because there were no bottles then, and the bond that is formed between mother and child due to their breastfeeding relationship is lasting. If you have never experienced that intimacy and closeness with your child, as they make noises and faces that no one else sees or hears, then this verse won't strike you as hard, but as having experienced it, I have never seen Elisheva's sweet little face (and soul) more contented, composed and more quieted than when she is nursing at my breast. Therefore, this verse now has greater meaning to me than it ever did before.

I cannot say how long I will nurse my children. I will try my best to allow them to wean themselves at the appropriate time. In Bible times, it is understood that children nursed until they were two or even three years old. The Midrash says that Sarah weaned Isaac at two, Moses was probably with his mother ('nurse') for at least two years, and Samuel must have also been a toddler when weaned, which is why he was able to be left at the Tabernacle with Eli the priest. I have seen a two year old nurse at a La Leche League meeting (http://www.llli.org/) and his mother had experienced some ridicule and comments from strangers even on him being 'too old' to be nursing. Breastfeeding is demanding, even for a stay-at-home mom, (hence, the need for support groups) and breastfeeding moms need encouragement, not ridicule. I am certainly grateful for the encouragement and support that I have received and plan to pass that on to others. So if you know a lactating woman, encourage her today. If you are a lactating woman, I hope you were encouraged by my words. Breastfeeding is healthy, natural, Biblical, and it is one of the many aspects of a woman's body that G-d has created to teach us about Himself and reflect His image... to teach us that He is our Nourisher, our miraculous Provider.

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

Isaiah 49:15-16

do not awaken love until...

2009-07-23T20:48:00.001-04:00

"I warn you, daughters of Jerusalem, not to awaken or stir up love until it wants to arise!"

Song of Solomon 8:4

True love waits. I know it's an overused cliche, but it really is a true statement. In order to understand why, we must look at the sanctity of sexuality. If sexuality is one of the strongest forces within a human being that is made in G-d's image, what does G-d have to say about it? What is sexuality anyway and how should we view it as G-d fearing individuals?

In looking for a holistic (rather than biological) understanding of sexuality, I found this quote in one of my favorite books, Toward a Meaningful Life by Simon Jacobson (it's based on the teachings of Rebbe Schneerson, so although I may not agree with everything in there, I have found great wisdom in this book). Jacobson says, "Sexuality is an internal, G-dly energy, a meeting of body and soul, that is nourished by true intimacy, by modesty and subtlety. It can only flourish in a healthy manner in the context of the sacred institution of marriage. Sexuality itself possesses both a body and a soul, a physical and spiritual dimension. Its body is the union of human bodies, accompanied by the deepest physical pleasures. Its soul is the union with G-dliness, accompanied by the deepest spiritual pleasures. When sexuality's spiritual nature is removed or ignored, it can become an irrational obsession that consumes an individual. Sexuality is among the most potent forces in life. It can either lift us to the great heights of self-sacrifice and commitment or lower us into the depths of self-interest and demoralization. Sexuality is never neutral." (p.67)

If sexuality is removed from its proper context (between a husband and wife), it becomes a mere biological function that can never truly be satisfying. For a woman especially, her body and her emotions and her mind and her spirituality are all intimately connected, and if any one of those is experiencing difficulty in some way, the others will most likely be affected. Sex is never just a physical act for a woman, it has to be much more, because she was created for relationship. Some may try to fill a void by being sexually active outside of marriage, but it is a losing battle. In a book called The Thrill of the Chaste by Dawn Eden (don't take this as a recommendation to read it, the quote just resonated with me), the author writes that in today's society, couples "become physically intimate to see if they want to be in a relationship... the underlying concept is the old Freudian conceit that people have sexual "needs", and that these needs can exist either on their own or as the prelude to a relationship, but that it is unnatural to prioritize other types of intimacy ahead of them. Although I myself have these "needs"-- or, rather, desires-- I never really wanted to place them before emotional intimacy. I don't think it's natural for women to operate that way unless they have serious problems with emotional intimacy-- and even then, I don't think it makes them happy." (p.114) I agree. It's not natural for a woman to operate that way, nor should it be. Need I also say, it's not biblical...

Sexuality, especially that of a woman, can also be a powerful weapon, either for good or for evil. Delilah is said to have been a woman who used her sexuality to bring down the strongest man in the Scriptures, Samson. On the other hand, a woman's other needs are oftentimes stronger than her physical desires, so she may find it easier than a man to initiate (and also reinforce) the "boundaries" necessary for a relationship to remain pure and godly before marriage.

A great article has been written on the subject of pre-marital sex and what the Bible has to say. It was written by messianic scholar, Tim Hegg, and it can be found here:

www.torahresource.com/EnglishArticles/TorahMorality.pdf
I remember reading this article with my fiance who is now my husband.

In summary, the most important aspect of a godly relationship is communication, before and after marriage. Communicate with G-d concerning your desires (after all, He created them, and He knows that you have them!), and communicate with your partner. Even a force as powerful as sexuality cannot withstand the united force of G-d, a godly man, and his ezer (strong helper) by his side (that would be you)...

"If you are close when you should be distant, you will be distant when you should be close."

-Rebbe Schneerson

My Hat...

2009-07-22T08:54:00.002-04:00

Anyone who sees me often knows that I usually wear a hat when I am away from home. This is my attempt to explain why...

If someone happens to ask me about it, then my short and sweet response is that it reminds me to submit to G-d and to my husband. But there's really more to it than that. In pondering the question of headcoverings, I've found it necessary to compile sources because there are so many different perspectives out there.

If you are familiar with First Fruits of Zion, they recently published an extensive article on this very issue in their Spring 2009 Messiah Journal. Written by an excellent author, D. Thomas Lancaster, he also compiled many views in his piece. I cannot possibly summarize it here (it's really long!), but he basically comes to the conclusion that it is an accepted tradition (and was in the first century) for married women to cover their hair, but it is certainly not a commandment from G-d. However, there are many instances where the tradition is supported and not discouraged in the Scriptures.

I found two traditional websites that give meaningful explanations as to why married Jewish women cover their hair. The first is http://www.covermyhair.com/. Just scroll down a little until the paragraph begins. The second is an article that you can find at: http://www.aish.com/f/rf/48944771.html and it is what I found to be a beautiful response from a rabbi's wife to a woman who has a desire to cover her hair. The rebbetzin goes into the Jewish concept of modesty and it is very interesting. I know I was touched by it...

It seems that this is a halachic issue that each woman (and man) has to come to a personal conclusion about. My conclusion is that I will wear a hat most of the time when outside my home. It helps me remember that I am always under G-d's covering and that He is with me; it reminds me that my most desirable beauty comes from within; it reminds me that I am not my own, but I have been bought with a price... it reminds me that I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine...

you know you're a mom when...

2009-07-21T10:37:00.005-04:00

there's not a room in your house that suggests otherwise...

don't be an exception...

2009-07-20T15:01:00.006-04:00

"Does not all nature around me praise G-d? If I were silent, I should be an exception to the universe. Does not the thunder praise Him as it rolls like drums in the march of the G-d of armies? Do not the mountains praise Him when the woods upon their summits wave in adoration? Does not the lightning write His name in letters of fire? Has not the whole earth a voice? And shall I, can I, silent be?" C.H. Spurgeon

I love this quote! It's a very powerful reminder of G-d's creation being a physical manifestation of His beauty and His power. Every time you hear thunder (I hear some now) or see lightning, remember to praise Him. His creativity is boundless and its beauty is beyond all words... and to think that He created it all for our sake, to give us no excuse to not believe in Him and not know Him. With a G-d like this, how could you not want to know Him? And with these constant reminders in nature, how could we not praise Him? Don't let yourself become an exception to the universe today.

Praise Him...

Silent Shabbat

2009-07-17T10:26:00.004-04:00

Remember to pray for our beloved Rabbi Ben and the group of young people he is leading through Israel on this trip. May it rock their world and their understanding of Scripture, and may they never recover...

Shabbat Shalom.

Note:

2009-07-13T15:50:00.002-04:00

The next two posts go together. Read the intro ("Public Speaking") first and then "The Mystery of Modesty"

JW

the mystery of modesty

2009-07-13T11:26:00.019-04:00

Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments,
but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

There are many aspects of modesty. Here I will write mainly about modestly in the form of dress, but modesty could also refer to the way one feels about herself, how she talks, how she carries herself, and how she thinks. It seems oftentimes that dressing discreetly is perhaps the easiest practice of modesty, so this is where I will begin.

As seen in the verse above and others, women are advised to dress in modest clothing. Discovering the importance of modesty for me has been a journey, a journey that has kept me forever mindful of G-d's design for beauty and also of the fallenness of mankind. Modesty meant something different for Adam and Eve before they sinned than it means for us today in 2009. Eve owned no clothes, but was modest in her thinking, in her actions, in her love for G-d and Adam. So modesty must go beyond our clothing, but it needs to start somewhere...

Modesty and mystery go hand in hand. There is a beautiful section on women's mystery in the book, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. A woman longs to be beautiful, but not with just any beauty... a beauty that needs to be unveiled by a man. As the authors write, "One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of G-d is in her mystery. By "mystery" we don't mean "forever beyond your knowing," but "something to be explored."" One of the most powerful ways a woman can foster her mystery is in the way she dresses. Once something is seen with the eyes, it is no longer a mystery. Men are intrigued by mystery, because as I wrote about earlier in "Hide-n-Seek," they were made to pursue a woman as one pursues G-d, who is indeed mysterious Himself. As Captivating goes on to mention, there is a sense of dignity in mystery as well. A mysterious woman must also carry herself with dignity, just as G-d is never without dignity. Dressing provocatively is no way to gain dignity.

If we women simply focus on ourselves, our mystery, our dignity, what the Scriptures say about modesty, perhaps we miss the big picture. What really opened my eyes was grappling to understand how men feel about this issue, and from what I've read and studied, godly men desire women to dress modestly, despite the fact that they struggle with looking at and lusting after scantily clad women because they are stimulated by what they see, as women are more stimulated by what they feel and hear. (If you have not read them already, read Every Woman's Battle, and then read Every Man's Battle so you see both sides of the coin). Men have to take responsibility for what they choose to look at, and we women need to understand that we are responsible for what we choose to wear. A woman's modesty can help train a man's eyes to understand what true beauty looks like in G-d's sight.

I found this beautiful quote from an orthodox rabbi's wife: "The Almighty, in His great Wisdom, has provided us with the laws of Tzniut, variously translated as modesty, privacy. Better yet, Tzniut is the de-emphasis of the outer self that enables the essential self to emerge. Practically speaking, this means that our behavior in speech, dress, and in the way we carry ourselves should convey the message to ourselves primarily and to others secondarily that I need to be attractive and not attracting. Attracting undue attention to my physical self proclaims that the totality of my person inheres in the physical presentation, that what you see is what you get. In contrast, when I am private and modest in my demeanor and to the extent I expose only that which is appropriate, my statement is that my body, important as it is, is no more than a vehicle for my essence. I am making the statement that it is indeed my character, my personality, my attributes which are the expression of the image of God in which I am created."

The way we dress also attracts the kind of man that we will end up marrying. My husband tells me often that he is attracted to my modesty. There is a place for modesty within marriage as well as outside of it. I found a very interesting article on modesty and mystery:( http://www.chabad.org/theJewishwoman/article_cdo/aid/335977/jewish/Modesty-and-Mystery.htm). It states: "In general, mystery attracts. Something is kept secret and guarded because it is deemed too unique for common knowledge or benefit; it is reserved for the benefit of the select and privileged. The secrecy both conveys the intrinsic worth of what is being hidden and challenges and beckons the outsider to prove himself worthy of being privy to it. This is why a concealing manner and modest dress is so attractive and arousing. This is also why people can dupe others into thinking something is worthwhile simply by surrounding it with an artificial aura of secrecy. The reverse also applies: if something possesses intrinsic worth, treating it with respect and awe generates a sensitivity to this aspect of it." In other words, is your body worth something to you? If so, cover it with dignity until that worthwhile mate comes along with whom you can share it with. And even then, don't lose your mystery...

Dressing appropriately can be as simple as standing in front of the mirror and asking yourself (and G-d) if what you have on is going to invite a man to lust after you. As I shared with the class at PBA, this is what I mean by modesty: Dressing in a such a way that allows inner beauty to shine through, presenting yourself to the world in a respectable way, covering up those parts of your body that fuel sexual stimulation or lust, leaving something to the imagination by the way you dress. And this is not what I mean by modesty: wearing cheap, ugly, or plain clothing,
dressing like your grandmother, a total disregard for make-up or other beauty enhancers,
a lack of style, taste, or fashion sense when choosing clothes to wear. In today's society, I have found it difficult to find clothes (especially shirts) that I would consider modest, but I improvise by wearing layers or even by wearing some shirts backwards. Because of its importance to me, I find ways to put it into practice in my life. And I encourage you to do the same.

It's not about wearing ankle-length skirts or long-sleeve shirts... it's about the way you present yourself to the world, to your brothers and sisters in the faith, and to your G-d who has given us His infallible word as a guide.

public speaking: an intro to my next entry

2009-07-13T10:37:00.007-04:00

It was my senior year at college. I took Public Speaking (at the last possible time because I was dreading it!) with a class of one young man and about 24 young women. I have to admit I was terrified at first because for one, I did not want to speak in front of a room full of people, and secondly, the fact that it was mostly women somehow made it worse! It was a turning point for me spiritually, however. I was a full-time student, working part-time at a Judaica store, and planning my wedding. Looking ahead to what type of ministry I would be involved in as a married woman and looking forward to having children of my own, it was a very exciting time. Still, to reach the goal of obtaining my BA in Biblical Studies, I had to survive this public speaking course. Let me just say that public speaking is not my forte, and that is probably an understatement!

We were told from the beginning that we would be responsible for 4 speeches (and that we would critique each other along the way). I remember pondering what my speeches would be about. I knew I would talk about my ministry trips to Israel, about my love of writing, etc. But as I made my plans, I understood that I should cater to my audience so as to make the greatest impact, and for months before this, I knew that G-d had laid women's ministry on my heart. Growing up as a tomboy (which I made sure to remind G-d of this as well), I found it challenging to relate to women, to connect with them, to be one of them. So as I was on my personal journey to womanhood, here I was in a class full of women younger than myself on their own journeys. And as I told G-d what I was going to speak about, He told me that I was going to speak about something very near and dear to my heart (and His): modesty. After giving my excuses as to why I couldn't possibly speak about that, we compromised (smile) and my final speech in that class was indeed on modesty. I fought the fear and the nerves in order to tell these young ladies something they needed to hear, and from what the professor (also female) commented on my paper, a topic that was often neglected at PBA. (If you've been there, you know what she means...) I definitely have no regrets about giving that speech. Neither will I have regrets about writing my next entry on modesty. We'll consider this an introduction since it has become so long! :) Excuse me while I gather my notes and my thoughts...

slow down

2009-07-10T09:56:00.006-04:00

My microwave stopped working last night and I am planning to buy a new one today, because as I told my husband, I can't function without a microwave. If it can't be heated or cooked in a microwave, I'm not eating it during the day when I'm home with Elli. It would take too long otherwise, and 8 month old babies have no patience whatsoever (I've learned this through experience)!

We live in a 'microwave' society, don't we? If it requires waiting, if it takes too long, if it calls for more than ten minutes of our day, it must not be worth it. If it interrupts our schedule, if it takes our attention away from what we're doing, if it postpones anything at all... it must be an inconvenience. As women, we are programmed for multi-tasking out of necessity. There's never just one thing we are doing or thinking about at a time, always several.

As I pulled up to a store at 9:00 this morning that didn't open until 10:00 with a sleepy baby in the car seat, and then drove home to find that my mother had left a message telling me that the store didn't open until 10:00 and that she would go with me to help, I realized something: Wow, I need to slow down...

Thank G-d that He gives us a day each week to slow down (to stop): Shabbat. And with it fast approaching now, let us remember to slow down and rest and enjoy the gift that He has given us in it. All of the work we have to do will still be there after the Shabbat. It can wait. The microwave will still be there in the store after the baby's nap. It can wait. Some of the greatest things in life are those that we must wait for. We can wait...

Shabbat Shalom.

do you drip?

2009-07-08T06:57:00.001-04:00

I suppose it's significant that I'm writing this on my husband's birthday. He will appreciate it.

"A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; He who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand." Proverbs 27:15-16

What a passage! It likens a nagging wife to a constant dripping (or imagine the annoying drip of a leaking faucet), and makes it sound impossible to restrain her. I would like to say that I do not see myself in this passage, but I'd be lying.

The most interesting things to me about men and women are their differences. Anyone who claims we are not different is essentially denying G-d's design (and His image) in us. He created us with different characteristics and tendencies to compliment one another. I read a quote, I believe by the Baal Shem Tov, who said that a husband and wife are like two flames that can either come together to make a single brighter flame or they can consume each other...

We women seem to be born to contend with one another and with our husbands. It's something we all struggle with. In fact, in cursing Eve, G-d told her that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her (Genesis 3:16). Many take this to mean that she would desire to rule him, but G-d did not intend it that way. Women are created with a great strength to do, to create, to speak out... but that strength has to be kept under control. It seems that the single most effective hindrance (or destroyer) of a relationship for a woman is often her mouth and what comes out of it... and for a man, his silence...

On the other side of the coin, a woman has the gift of healing with her words. Women are said to be the more 'verbal' sex, although some (like me) are often too quiet when it is sometimes necessary for them to speak. But even I (ask my husband) have my moments of babbling (or nagging) when I need to talk. In Proverbs 31, we read that a woman of valor does her husband good and not harm all the days of her life. That would include the words she speaks to him. And in verse 26, "she opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." Oh, how I wish that I could say that every time I opened my mouth, I spoke wisdom and kindness!

Let us be mindful today of our words. Are they healing or hurtful? Are they for good or for harm? Are they full of loving instruction or like a leaky faucet? Whether you struggle with nagging, or gossip, or slander, or silence... let us pray to be master of our mouths today... better yet, let us pray that the Master would be master of our mouths today.